The Botch of the Rings
by Gilraen
Summary: a Crossover between Monty Python and LOTR, which has evolved into a tale of our own humble insanity. WARNING: do not consume food or drink whilst reading this script - it may result in serius computer malfunction. *complete!*
1. The Standard Introduction

**A/N: **This script is still being written, and so some scenes may take longer to put up on the site than others. It is being written by three people, who are known as _Gilraen, Jatamanzi, and The Reverend. _Any reviews given for the script WILL reach each and every author, so what are you waiting for?

Oh yes, the characters used are not always originally ours, we have just borrowed them... blah blah blah... Monty Python Scripts that we have used can be found at www.montypython.net, and we have used both parts from the book of Lord of the Rings, and also the film. 

Big News! The parody now has a new home! Updates will still be published on FF.net - but If you are interested, please visit our site at http://clik.to/jrrhumour. Enjoy!

(Flames will be used to torture Gollum and his evil friends.)

**_The Botch of the Rings_**

_A Joint effort_

_I amar prestar aen..._ (The world is changed)  
_han mathon ne nen..._ (I feel it in the water)  
_han mathon ne chae..._ (I feel it in the Earth)  
_a Han noston Ned 'wilith. _(I smell it in the air) 

_Han! Mathon ne chae ton nestrod tombola? _(Hey! Who the hell did that?)

Much that once was is lost. For none now live who remember it 

**Narrator**: This tale began with the forging of the rings of power. My, that sounds good, POWER!! BUAHAHAHAHAHA!!! 

**Crowd**: GET ON WITH IT!! 

**Narrator**: Oh right, sorry. Anyway – Three were given to the Elves, immortal, wisest and fairest of all beings (Or so THEY say). Seven were given to the Dwarf lords, great miners and craftsmen of the mountain halls, the winners of the "Hi-ho championships" of the first age. And nine, nine rings were gifted to the race of Men, who above all else, desire power. But they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made. 

In Mordor, in the fires of Mount Doom, where no swallow, laden or un-laden, could live, the Dark Lord Sauron forged in secret a master ring, to control all others. Into this ring, he poured all his cruelty, his malice, and his will to dominate all life on Middle Earth. 

"One Ring to Rule them all" 

One by one, the free lands in Middle-Earth fell to the power of the Ring. But there were some who resisted. Isildur a rather dashing young man, who took up his father's sword, defeated Sauron just by cutting the poor sod's finger off. The Ring passed to Isildur, who had this one chance to destroy evil forever. 

But the hearts of men are easily corrupted (Try visiting the Castle Anthrax). 

**Crowd**: GET ON WITH IT!! 

**Sauron's head**: [lying on the ground] YES – GET ON WITH IT! 

**Narrator**: Oops, sorry, But the hearts of men are easily corrupted. And the Ring of Power has a will of its own. It betrayed Isildur to his death. And some things that should not have been forgotten were lost, and some that should not have been lost, forgotten, and a general mish-mash of forgetting and losing were forgotten, and indeed lost. Lost. 

History became legend, legend became myth and for two and a half thousand years, the Ring passed out of all knowledge. Until, when chance came, it ensnared a new bearer. 

**Gollum**: My Precioussssss *cough cough splutter* hey! How come I have to be Gollum's voice?? 

**Narrator**: The Ring came to the creature Gollum, who took it deep into the tunnels of the Misty Mountains. And there, it consumed him. 

**Gollum**: It came to me, my own, my love, my own prrrrreciousssss! *cough-cough* _Gollum_

**Narrator**: The Ring brought to Gollum unnatural long life, but not, as he had hoped, a lifetime's supply of throat sweets. For five hundred years it poisoned his mind. And in the gloom of Gollum's cave, it waited. 

Until one day, it abandoned Gollum…. Poor bugger. What if he liked it? I know I had a ring once, it was lovely, it had little diamonds all over it, my second husband gave it to me for… *argh* 

**_Note_**_: The old narrator who was responsible for such delay has been sacked, and now we have replaced her with a new narrator, the woman who hired her. The story continues: _

**New Narrator**: But something happened then the Ring did not intend. The most unlikely creature imaginable picked it up. No, NOT Chris Tarrant. Actually, I had a ring once… 

**Bilbo**: What's this? 

**Narrator**: A Hobbit: Bilbo Baggins of the Shire. Ugly little bugger. 

**Bilbo**: A ring. 

**Gollum**: [from afar] Losssst! My precious is lost! 

**Narrator**: For the time would soon come when Hobbits would shape the fortunes of all. 


	2. An unexpected dissapearance

_Cut to the scene of the Long-Expected party, where we see Gandalf setting off fireworks, and the hobbits stuffing themselves silly._

**Narrator: **On the day of Bilbo Baggin's One-hundred and eleventh birthday party, there was much preparation to be found in Hobbiton. Gandalf the wizard had arrived, and had agreed to provide the entertainment for the evening. 

_We see Frodo and Sam together, and Rosie Cotton dancing in the background._

**Frodo:** Go on Sam, go on and have a dance with Rosie! 

**Sam: **I just think I'll have another drink… 

**Frodo: **Sam. Do you realise where a dance with Rosie could lead? You could get your end away eventually! 

_Sam promptly stands and runs over to Rosie, and starts dancing – very sexily – with her. Frodo laughs. _

_Processions of hobbits in blue uniforms enter, and walk over to Bilbo._

**Shirrif:** Mr. Baggins? 

**Bilbo:** Ah, yes? 

**Shirrif:** Are you the sole supplier of the food here at this party? 

**Bilbo:** Er, yes I am. 

**Shirrif:** Shirrif Parrot and I are from the hygiene squad… 

**Bilbo:** [Apparently unconcerned] Oh, yes. 

**Shirrif: **…and we'd like to have a word with you about some of the "delicacies" that you have supplied for your birthday party. 

**Bilbo:** Ah, yes very good. 

**Shirrif:** If I may begin at the beginning. First, there is the Cherry fondue. Now this is extremely nasty, but we can't prosecute you for that! 

**Bilbo:** Agreed. 

**Shirrif:** Now we have number four on your catering list, 'Crunchy Frog'. 

**Bilbo:** Ah yes. 

**Shirrif:** Am I right in thinking that there's a real frog in here? 

**Bilbo:** Yes, only a little one. 

**Shirrif:** Is it cooked? 

**Bilbo:** No! How preposterous! 

**Shirrif:** A raw frog? 

**Bilbo:** I use only the finest baby frogs, dew picked and delivered from the Misty Mountains, cleansed in the finest quality spring water, lightly killed, and sealed in a succulent Bree quintuple smooth full cream treble milk chocolate envelope, and lovingly frosted with sugar! 

**Shirrif:** That's as maybe, but it's still a frog! 

**Bilbo:** Well what else would it be? 

**Shirrif:** Don't you even take the bones out? 

**Bilbo:** If I took the bones out they wouldn't be crunchy would they? 

**Shirrif:** Shirrif parrot ate one of those! 

**Shirrif Parrot:** Would you excuse me for a moment sir? 

**Shirrif:** Yes, parrot. 

**Bilbo:** Well it says 'Crunchy Frog' quite clearly. 

**Shirrif:** that's neither here nor there Baggins; we have to protect the Shire folk. Hobbits aren't going to think there's a real frog in there. The Mayor thought it was an almond whirl. They're bound to think it's some sort of mock frog. 

**Bilbo:** Mock frog?? I use no artificial preservatives or additives of any kind! 

**Shirrif:** Nevertheless, I advise you in future to replace the words 'Crunchy Frog' with 'Crunchy, raw, unboned, real, dead frog' If you want to avoid being put in the stocks. 

**Bilbo:** Nobody will eat that! 

**Shirrif:** I don't give a damn about that. We have to protect the Shire folk! And what's this one? 'Spring Surprise?' 

**Bilbo:** Ah, that's the dwarf speciality! Covered in the darkest, velvety smooth chocolate, when you pop it in your mouth, iron bolts spring out and punch straight through both cheeks! 

**Shirrif Parrot:** [vomit] 

**Shirrif:** If people pop a nice chocky in their mouth they don't expect to get their cheeks pierced! In any case, it is an inadequate description of the sweetmeat! I shall have to ask you to accompany me to the lock-house. 

**Bilbo:** But my guests! 

**Shirrif:** Oh all right, I'll give you five minutes. 

_Cut to scene – Bilbo giving his farewell speech. He stands upon a platform, handcuffs around his wrists, with each and every hobbit looking at him, somewhat bemused. The Shirrifs keep watch behind him. _

**Bilbo:** My dear Bagginses and Boffins, _Bagginses and Boffins cheer_ Tooks and Brandybucks, _Tooks and Brandybucks cheer_ Grubbs, _Grubbs cheer_ Chubbs, _Chubbs cheer_ Hornblowers, _Hornblowers cheer_ Bolgers, _Bolgers cheer_ Bracegirdles, _Bracegirdles cheer_ and Proudfoots. 

**Mr. Proudfoot:** Proudfeet! _hobbits laugh, Bilbo waves dismissively _

**Bilbo:** Today is my one hundred and eleventh birthday! 

**Hobbits:** Happy Birthday! 

**Bilbo:** Alas, eleventy-one years is far too short a time to live among such excellent and admirable hobbits. _Hobbits cheer_ I don't know half of you as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve. _Dead silence_

**Bilbo:** [Sees stern look from the Shirrif] I, uh, I h-have things to do. _Fidgets with the ring _

**Bilbo:** [Whispers] Now is the time Bilbo, it's this or the stocks for you. I wonder if the Shirrif has any more of these handcuffs… 

**Bilbo:** I regret to announce that this is the end. I am going now. I bid you all a very fond farewell. Goodbye. 

_The Shirrifs approach Bilbo, ready to take him away, but to their shock he has disappeared! _

**Hobbit (shocked):** Ooh!

**Gandalf: **[Stands] Hobbits of the Shire, Bilbo Baggins has LEFT the meadow! 


	3. Spanish Shadows in the Dark

**Narrator**: And so Bilbo left the Shire, in search of the old paths he treaded as a young'un. He left the ring in Frodo's possession, who looked after it very well, on Gandalf's orders. Gandalf meanwhile was having a lovely time researching the history of the ONE RING! Lovely little trinket… Oh I said that earlier didn't I? 

Gandalf rides to the outskirts of Mount Doom to observe the activity that going on. He then heads to Minas Tirith to study its ancient scrolls 

**Voice Over of Gandalf:** Year 3434 of the Second Age. Here follows the account of Isildur, High King of Gondor and all round hottie, and the finding of the Ring of Power. It has come to me, the One Ring. It shall be an heirloom of my kingdom. It is precious to me, though I buy it with a great pain. I spent thousands of golden coins on a new polish for it, after all it should be kept nice and sparkly... The markings upon the band begin to fade. The writing, which at first was as clear as red flame, has all but disappeared. A secret now that only fire can tell. 

**Narrator**: As Gandalf was off having a ball; the Nazgûl had been released from Mordor, and were on their way to find the keeper of the one ring. Gandalf returned to find Frodo at home, and told him the story of the one ring. 

**Gandalf**: This is the one ring that Sauron forged. The writing upon it is in a tongue that I will not utter here. But in your common speech it means: _One ring to rule them all, one ring to find them, one ring to bring them all, and in the darkness, bind them. _

**Narrator**: Upon hearing of the kinkiness of the ring, and hearing some explanation of the method of handcuffing so many Middle-Earth residents to a bedpost, Frodo started to get rather edgy. 

**Frodo**: All right, we put it away. We keep it hidden. We never speak of it again. No one knows it's here, do they? Do they Gandalf? 

**Gandalf**: There is one other who knew that Bilbo had the Ring. I looked everywhere for the creature Gollum. But the enemy found him first. I don't know how long they tortured him. 

Scene flashes to Gollum's torture 

**Gollum:** ARGH! Enough-aaa – We weren't expecting sssome kind of ssspanish inquisition, no precious! 

[JARRING CHORD] 

_The door flies open in the torture chamber and Cardinal Ximinez of Spain enters, flanked by two junior cardinals. _

**Ximinez: **NOBODY expects the Spanish inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise, surprise and fear… fear and surprise… Our two weapons are fear and surprise… and ruthless efficiency… Our **three** weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency… and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope… Our **four**… no… **amongst** our weaponry... are such elements as fear, surprise… I'll come in again. (Exit and exeunt) 

**Gollum:** [sighs] we weren't expecting sssome kind of ssspanish inquisition! 

[JARRING CHORD] 

_The cardinals burst in. _

**Ximinez:** NOBODY expects the Spanish inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the pope, and nice red uniforms – Oh damn! Cardinal, read the charges. 

**Cardinal Fang: **Charges, erm… oh right the charges… You the creature Gollum, are hereby charged with knowing the whereabouts of the all-powerful one ring, and knowing the name of the one who – 

**Cardinal Biggles: **That's enough. [To Gollum] now, how do you plead? 

**Gollum:** Know? We don't know nothing… no preciousss 

**Ximinez: **Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! 

Superimposed caption: 'Diabolical Laughter' 

**Cardinal Biggles:** We'll soon change your mind about that! 

Superimposed Caption: 'Diabolical Acting' 

**Ximinez: **Fear, surprise and a most ruthless--- [controls himself with a supreme effort] Ooooh! Now, Cardinal, the rack! 

_Biggles produces a plastic coated dish-drying rack. Ximinez looks at it and clenches his teeth in an effort not to lose control. He hums loudly to cover his anger. _

**Ximinez:** You… Right! Tie him down! 

_Fang and Biggles attempt to tie him down on the drying rack. _

**Ximinez:** Right! What do you know? 

**Gollum:** Nothing! Argh! 

**Ximinez:** Ha! Right! Cardinal, give the rack, oh dear, give the rack a turn. 

_Biggles stands there awkwardly and shrugs his shoulders. _

**Ximinez:** It makes it all seem so stupid. 

**Biggles:** Shall I…uh? 

**Ximinez:** No, just pretend for Eru's sake, Ha! Ahahaha! Confess! Tell us what you know! 

**Biggles:** It doesn't seem to be hurting him, lord. 

**Ximinez:** Hm! He is made of tougher stuff! Fetch… The COMFY CHAIR! 

[JARRING CHORD] 

**Fang:** [terrified] The… Comfy chair? 

_Biggles pushes in a comfy chair – a really plush one. _

**Ximinez:** So you think you are strong just because you could survive the… drying… rack… Well! We shall see. Biggles! Put him in the comfy chair! 

_They roughly push him into the comfy chair. _

**Ximinez:** [aside, to Biggles] is that really all it is? 

**Biggles:** Yes, lord. 

**Ximinez:** I see. I suppose we could make it worse by shouting a lot could we? [Starts shouting] Confess! Tell us what you know! Ahahahaha! 

**Gollum**: Shire!!! Baggins!!! 

Scene flashes back 

**Frodo:** Shire? Baggins? But that would lead them here! 

Scene flashes to the riders and their steeds, holding two halves of coconuts 

**Wraith #1:** Onward Satan! 

Wraith #1's invisible horse, Satan, lunges forward 

**Hobbit on the road:** Who goes there? 

Wraith #2 chops off hobbit's head 

**Hobbit's Wife:** You bastard! You chopped my husband's head off! You come back here and fight like a hobbit!!! 

Brandishes an umbrella, and promptly does Wraith #1 lop off her head also 

Scene flashes back 

**Frodo:** Take it Gandalf! Take it! 

Gandalf looks at the ring with what can only be described as lust… 

**Gandalf**: No… I… I… [Clenches his fists and keeps them in the pockets of his cloak] Cannot! 

Frodo looks downtrodden 

**Gandalf**: I'm sorry Frodo, but I'm… too much of a coward to go and destroy such a… beautiful… beautiful ring… [Wipes his face with his hand and screws his eyes shut] Understand Frodo, I would... use this ring with the desire for self-gratification, but through me, the waves of pheromones would be too powerful for Middle-Earth to survive. 

[Frodo looks on, now very confused.] 

**Frodo**: Gratification… Pheromones? 

[Frodo picks up his script, and, throwing it into the fire, continues] 

**Frodo**: But it cannot stay in the Shire! 

**Gandalf**: No! No it can't. 

[Frodo pockets the ring, which vibrates on cue] 

**Frodo**: OOH! [Flustered] I… eeh eeh aah… erm… what must I do? 

**Narrator**: And so Frodo Baggins of the Shire took on the mammoth task of taking the ring of power from the Shire. He was to head for Bree, and all-round silly place, where he would meet Gandalf, and continue upon his quest. But a visitor arrived, that no one expected. 

[Rustling is heard from the window, as Frodo is getting ready behind a cloth screen] 

[Gandalf sighs, and moves from his position, where he had a perfect view behind the screen] 

[Walks over to the window] 

[With lightning speed, Gandalf shoves his staff out of the window, and drags Sam into the room] 

**Gandalf**: Confound it all Samwise Gamgee! Have you been peeking? 

**Sam**: [Stutters, then blushes] I… heh. 

**Gandalf**: Why I ought to… 

**Sam**: I heard raised voices 

**Gandalf**: What did you hear? Speak! 

**Sam**: N-N-Nothin important! That is I heard a great deal about a Spanish inquisition, and a cowardly wizard and the end of the world but… Please Mr. Gandalf sir, don't hurt me. Don't turn me into anything… unnatural. 

**Gandalf**: No, perhaps not. I have thought of a better use for you. 

_[Frodo and Gandalf exchange sly looks, and the scene ends]_


	4. The Road to Bree

**Narrator: **And so Sam did go along with Frodo to Bree. Soon after, they were joined by Merry and Pippin, who decided it might be fun to go and pay the Prancing Pony a visit. Sly little buggers… 

Scene: As the four hobbits journey on their way to Bree, they are approached by three elves… 

**Elf #1:** Ahem. 

**Pippin:** Ohhh! Who are you? 

**Elf #1:** We are wise elves. 

**Sam:** What? 

**Elf #1:** We are wise elves. 

**Pippin:** Well, what are you doing creeping about a dark forest at two o'clock in the morning? That doesn't sound very wise to me. 

**Elf #3:** We are astrologers on our way to the Grey Havens. 

**Elf #1:** We have come from Rivendell. 

**Sam:** Is this some kind of joke? 

**Elf #2:** We wish to praise the Ring bearer. 

**Elf #1:** We must pay homage to him. 

**Frodo:** Homage? You're all drunk. It's disgusting. Be gone, the lot of ya! 

**Elf #1:** No- 

**Sam:** Bursting through the trees with tales about elvish fortune-tellers. Come on. Off with ya! 

**Elf #2:** No, no. We must see him! 

**Sam:** Go and praise someone else's Ring bearer! Go on! 

**Elf #2:** We- 

**Elf #1:** A star led us. 

**Sam:** Or led by a bottle, more like. Go on. Be gone! 

**Elf #1:** Well- well, we must see him. We have brought presents! 

**Sam:** Go! 

**Elf #2:** Miruvor. Lembas. Some ale we pinched from Bree! 

**Pippin:** [Excited] Well, why didn't you say so? He's right here! [Thrusts Frodo forward] Sorry he's a bit of a mess… well, what is Miruvor, anyway? 

**Elf #3:** It is a valuable cordial. 

**Pippin:** A cordial? What are you giving him a cordial for? It might bite him! 

**Elf #3:** What? 

**Pippin:** That's a dangerous animal. Quick! Throw it in the brush. 

**Elf #1:** No, it isn't! 

**Merry:** Yes, it is. It's a great, big... Umm… 

**Elf #3:** No, no, no. It is a drink that improves health. 

**Pippin:** Aww, there is an animal called a cordial, right Merry? [Merry nods emphatically] Well, whatever… So, you're astrologers, are you? What is he then? 

[Points at Frodo] 

**Elf #2:** Hmm? 

**Merry:** What star sign is he? 

**Elf #2:** Uh, Virgo. 

**Sam:** Oh, Virgo, eh? What are they like? 

**Elf #2:** Ooh, but… he is the Ring bearer, our only hope in the struggle against the Dark Lord. 

**Elf #1:** He carries the One Ring. 

**Pippin:** And that's a Virgo, is it? 

**Elf #2:** Uh, no, no, no. That's just him. 

**Pippin:** Ohh, I was going to say, 'Otherwise, there'd not be a lot of them.' [Sniffs] 

**Elf #1:** By what name are you calling him? 

**Pippin:** Uh, 'Frodo'. 

**Sam:** [fwaps Pippin] No, we're calling him Mr. Underhill, remember? 

**Pippin**: Oh, right… 

**Elf #1:** [Kneels in front of Frodo] We worship you, O Frodo… Mr. Underhill… whatever… anyway, you who has the will to carry out this journey. Praise unto you, and to your little hobbit friends with whom you journey. Amen… or whatever. 

**Merry:** Do you do a lot of this, then? 

**Elf #2:** What? 

**Merry:** This praising. 

**Elf #1, 2 & 3:** No, no. No, no. 

**Pippin:** Err, well, um, if you're dropping by again, do stop by. Heh. And thanks a lot for the Lembas and the ale, uh, but don't worry too much about the Miruvor next time. All right? Right. Thank you, good-bye! 

[Elves leave, rather bewildered…] 

**Sam:** Well, weren't they nice? Hmm. Out of their bloody minds, but still… 

[Elves return and grab presents] 

**Pippin:** Oi, oi! Here, that- that's mine!! Oi! Hey, you just gave us that! 

[Elves wrestle the gifts away from Pippin] 

[The hobbits continue on their journey…] 


	5. A Rude Awakening

**Narrator: **Upon the rest of their journey to Bree, the Hobbits met many illustrious names: Tom Bobtail the dim-witted idiot in yellow boots, The Barrow-Wights of Middle-earth, clad in fuchsia socks, and of course, who could forget, the Old man Billow, who flew away in the wind before they had the chance to strike up a proper conversation. We meet them now at the gate to Bree. 

_Scene: The four hobbits walk up to the Gate of Bree in the pouring rain, and Frodo stops to call to the Gatekeeper. _

**Frodo**: Halt! Hello! Hello! 

**Gatekeeper** [speaks in a French accent]: 'Allo! Who is zis? 

**Frodo**: We are four hobbits of the Shire; we wish to stay at the inn. Who owns it? 

**Gatekeeper**: That is the home of my master, Barliman de Breeland! 

**Frodo**: Go and tell your master that Gandalf has charged us with an important quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he will be greatly rewarded, with this. 

_Frodo holds out the ring, and the other hobbits look at him in shock. Sam whispers something to Pippin._

**Gatekeeper**: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. Uh, he's already got one, you see? 

**Frodo**: What? 

**Sam**: He says they've already got one! 

**Frodo**: Are you sure he's got one? 

**Gatekeeper**: Oh yes, it's very nice-a. [Aside: _I told him we've already got one_] 

**Frodo**: Well, um, can we come in and have a look? 

**Gatekeeper**: Of course not! You are Shire types-a! 

**Frodo**: Well, what are you then? You don't sound like a Breelander! 

**Gatekeeper**: I'm French! Why do you think I have this outrageous accent, you silly ring bearer! 

**Sam**: What are you doing in Bree? 

**Gatekeeper**: Mind your own business! 

_Frodo and the others turn to each other and speak about the strangeness of the situation. Frodo turns around again._

**Frodo**: If you will not take us to the inn, we shall take this gate by force! 

**Gatekeeper**: You don't frighten us, Shire pig-dogs! ---Go and boil your bottom, nephew of a crazy hobbit! I blow my nose at you, so-called ring bearer, you and all your silly Shire knnnniggets! 

**Merry**: What a strange person. 

**Frodo**: Now look here, my good man! 

**Gatekeeper**: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries! 

**Pippin**: Is there someone else up there we could talk to? 

**Gatekeeper**: No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-a! 

**Merry**: Fiends, I'll tear them apart! 

**Frodo**: No no, no no! 

**Sam**: Master, I have a plan master Frodo. 

[Later] 

[Cheap sawing sound effects] 

[Wheeling Trojan rabbit up to the gates of Bree] 

**Muttering Breelanders** [in French accents of course]: C'est un lapin, lapin de bois. Quoi? Un cadeau. What? A present. Oh un cadeau. Oui, oui. Hurry. What? Let's go. Oh, on y va. Bon magne. Over here… 

[More cheap sound effects] 

_The hobbits hide behind a bush in front of the gate and watch as the rabbit is taken inside._

**Frodo**: What happens now? 

**Sam**: Well, now uh, you, Merry, Pippin and I, wait until nightfall, and then LEAP out of the rabbit, taking the Breelanders by surprise. 

**Frodo**: Who leaps out? 

**Sam**: Uh, you, Merry, Pippin, and I. Uh, leap out of the rabbit, uh.. and uh… 

**All**: Oh Sam! 

**Sam**: Oh… Um, I—look, if we built this large wooden badger… 


	6. Alms for an exwraith?

_The hobbits manage to get into Bree through a hidden doorway in the wall. As they walk through the streets of Bree, huddled together in the rain, we see a sequence of scenes: Strange looking Breelanders with French accents stepping on the hobbits feet, Sam reaching to pinch Frodo's bottom, Merry playing with a broken carrot. Homeless hobbits and men, who look suspiciously like wraiths, bound in black cloaks, shrieking for spare coins, when a little hobbit comes running up to the four and asking them for some money. _

**Hobbit:** Alms for an ex-wraith. Bloody donkey owners. All the same, aren't they? Never have any change. Oh, here's a touch. Spare a talent for an old ex-wraith. 

**Sam:** Buzz off! 

**Hobbit:** Spare a talent for an old ex-wraith. 

**Sam:** A talent? That's more than he inherits in a month. 

**Hobbit: **Half a talent, then. 

**Sam:** No, go away! 

**Hobbit:** [Ignoring Sam, speaks to Frodo.] Come on, Bald chin. Let's haggle. 

**Frodo:** What? 

**Hobbit:** All right. Cut the haggling. Say you open at one silver coin. I start at two thousand. We close about eighteen hundred. 

**Frodo:** No. 

**Hobbit:** Seventeen-fifty? 

**Sam:** Go away! 

**Hobbit:** Seventeen-forty. 

**Sam:** Look. Will you leave him alone? 

**Hobbit:** All right. Two silver coins. Just two. Isn't this fun, eh? 

**Sam:** Look, he's not giving you any money so sod off! 

**Hobbit:** All right, sir. My final offer: half a silver coin for an old ex-wraith. 

**Frodo:** Did you say... 'ex-wraith? 

**Hobbit:** That's right, sir. Sixteen years behind the shroud, and proud of it, sir. 

**Frodo:** Well, what happened? 

**Hobbit:** I was cured, sir. 

**Frodo:** Cured? 

**Hobbit:** Yes, sir, a bloody miracle, sir. Eru bless you. 

**Frodo:** Who cured you? 

**Hobbit:** Gandalf did sir. I was screeching along, minding my own business. All of a sudden, up he comes, Cures me. One minute I'm a wraith with a trade, next minute me livelihoods gone. Not even so much as a "by your leave". No no no… "You're cured my hobbit."…. Bloody do-gooder. 

**Merry:** Well, why don't you go and tell him you want to be a wraith again? 

**Hobbit:** Ah, yeah. I could do that, sir. Yeah. Yeah, I could do that, I suppose. What I was thinking was, I was going to ask him if he could make me a bit white in the face, and make my voice go up during the middle of the week. You know, something beggable, but not wraith hood, which is a pain in the arse, to be blunt. Excuse my French, sir, but, uh-- 

**Sam:** Frodo, we should be getting to that Inn now… 

**Frodo:** [Hands the ex-wraith a silver coin] There you are. 

**Hobbit:** Thank you, sir. Thanks-- Half a shilling for me bloody life story? 

**Frodo:** There's just no pleasing some people. 

**Hobbit:** That's just what Gandalf said sir! 


	7. Longshanks

_The hobbits finally get past the begging wraiths and walk into the Inn, soaking wet. They walk up to the bar. _

**Frodo:** [looking up at the barman.] Excuse me? 

**Barliman:** Good evening young sirs! You seem to be looking for a place to stay! We've got some cosy hobbit-sized rooms available if you'd like? 

**Frodo:** We're looking for Gandalf? 

**Barliman:** [Sharply.] Well how the bloody hell am I to know who Gandalf is for Eru's sake? 

**Frodo:** I beg your pardon? 

**Barliman:** [Nicely.]Gandalf you say… Gandalf… Ooh yes! Elderly chap, long beard, pointy hat…. 

**Frodo: **Yes 

**Barliman:** Bloody twit of the West, what do you want me to do? Take you to him I suppose?? 

**Frodo:** I… I'm sorry? 

**Barliman:** He's not been here for six months I'm afraid… 

**Sam:** [To Frodo.] What do we do now? 

**Frodo:** Could we have four halves of your best Ale please? 

**Barliman:** Get your own! You great poofy hoonager! 

**Frodo:** What? 

**Barliman:** Certainly young master, three ale's. 

**Frodo:** Oh, thankyou. 

**Barliman: **'Oh, thank you' says the great queen like a la-di-dah pooftah! 

**Frodo:** I beg your pardon? 

**Barliman:** That's alright sir, anything else? 

**Frodo:** Well yes actually… 

**Barliman: **What is it now you great pillock? 

**Frodo:** Well, I can't help noticing that you insult me and then you're polite to me alternately. 

**Barliman:** I'm terribly sorry to hear that, young master. 

**Frodo:** That's all right, it really doesn't matter. 

**Barliman:** Tough titty you nasty spotty prancer! 

_Somewhat bemused, the hobbits take their seat opposite from Strider, who stares at them intently._

**Frodo:** It's all right Sam, he'll come. 

_Merry walks over with a large pint glass in his hands._

**Pippin:** What's that? 

**Merry:** This, my friend, is a pint! 

**Pippin:** A pint? I'm getting one! 

**Sam:** You've had a whole half already! 

_Sam gives up and looks over to the corner where Strider sits. _

**Sam:** That bartender worried me, and who is that man over there? He's been looking at you since we arrived. 

_Frodo looks over to Strider, who sits in the corner, smoking his "pipe weed." The smoke rises and his eyes flash menacingly. Frodo stops Barliman, who is walking past. _

**Frodo:** Excuse me, who is that? 

**Barliman:** That? He's a ranger of sorts. Not many of us around here deal with 'im. 

**Frodo:** What's his name? 

**Barliman:** Why the hell do you want to know you toffee-nosed twat?! 

**Frodo:** I … erm… beg your pardon? 

**Barliman:** Around here, he goes by the name of Strider. 

_Barliman shuffles off, leaving Frodo looking at Strider. He begins to finger the ring, when he overhears Pippin. _

**Pippin:** Baggins? 'Course I know a Baggins! _Frodo Baggins… _

_Frodo runs over to Pippin in a rush. _

**Frodo:** No pippin! 

**Pippin:** Steady on Frodo! 

_Frodo falls, and the ring falls upon his finger. _

**Muttering Breelanders: **Qu'est quelle… Sacre bleu! 

_Frodo sees the world changed, and looks to the great eye, which speaks to him _

**Eye:** I see you! Peek-aboo! 

_Frodo takes the ring off hurriedly and finds himself next to Strider, who picks him up roughly. _

**Strider: **You should be more careful of the company you keep, Mr BAGGINS! 

**Frodo: **How did you… 

**Strider; **No time for that, I've a mind to take you to your room. 

_Frodo gets dragged off to almost certain ravishing by a certain ranger, and the scene ends_


	8. Accidents will happen

_Frodo is shoved into Striders room by the man, who looks over his shoulder. _

**Strider**: Well, if you'll just wait in here, Master Baggins, I won't keep you waiting long 

**Frodo**: [scared] Uh, thanks very much. 

_Strider walks out to investigate who was watching him; __the mirror behind Frodo falls off the wall without warning and smashes to the ground. Strider returns, and looks at Frodo enquiringly.)_

**Frodo**: The mirror fell off the wall. 

**Strider**: What? 

**Frodo**: The mirror fell off... off the wall... it fell. 

**Strider**: [disbelieving but polite] I see. You'd better wait here. I'll get a cloth. 

_Strider just closes the door behind him and the bookcase detaches itself from the wall and comes sweeping down, bringing with it the drinks trolley. Strider opens the door._

**Frodo**: Ah, it ... it came off the wall. 

**Strider**: Yes, really? 

**Frodo**: It just came right off the wall. 

**Strider**: Well now... 

**Frodo**: Yes, I ... I didn't touch it. 

**Strider**: [politely ironic] Of course not. It just fell off the wall. 

**Frodo**: Yes. It just fell off the wall. 

**Strider**: Don't move. I'll get help. 

_He goes._

**Frodo**: [To himself of course] Yes - er, fell off the wall. 

_The hobbit Nob enters._

**Nob**: Oh sweet Eru, what a mess. 'Ere, did you do this? 

**Frodo**: No, no. I didn't do all this. It... it did it all. 

**Nob**: Oh? Well... 'ere, hold this. I'll get started. 

_Nob hands him a dagger._

**Frodo**: Oh, it's jolly nice. What is it? 

**Nob**: It's a Numénorean dagger. Ooops. 

_Nob trips, falls lethally on to the dagger Frodo is holding. Nob collapses at his feet. There is blood on the dagger and Frodo's hand. He is looking down at Nob, when he becomes aware of the Bartender at the door, who is looking at him in horror._

**Frodo**: Er, he just fell on ... on to the dagger. 

**Barliman**: (soothingly) Yes, of course he did, sir. 

**Frodo**: Yes, just gave me the dagger and tripped, and went, 'Oops'. 

_Barliman starts backing round the room away from him, his face growing impatient._

**Barliman**: I don't know, bloody hobbits, killing other hobbits. Nob was one of my best workers you know? I should have you arrested! 

**Frodo**: I mean, I didn't er... 

**Barliman**: Oh no, no, of course not, sir, I understand. 

**Frodo**: I mean he ... he just, er... 

**Barliman**: [Angrily] Fell? 

**Frodo**: Fell. 

**Barliman**: [Starts to head for the window to call the officials and falls backwards through the window] Arrghh! 

**Frodo**: [to window] I'm terribly sorry. 

_A Shirrif and Strider appear at the door._

**Strider**: That's him. 

**Shirrif**: Right, sir. 

**Frodo**: Hello, officer. There seems to have been an accident. Well, several accidents actually. 

**Shirrif**: That's right, sir. Would you come this way, please. [goes towards him] Ahh! [clutches chest] It's me ... me heart, sir. [collapses] 

**Strider**: You should be more careful of that trinket you carry, Baggins, it brings more trouble than you could expect. 

**Frodo**: [Looks around at the bodies lying around him, grimaces] Who… who are you? 

**Strider**: Are you frightened? 

**Frodo**: Yes. 

**Strider**: Good, I love scaring people. [Breaks out into a friendly grin] Some call me strider, I am here to help. Gandalf sent a message telling you of my arrival. 

Sam, merry and Pippin storm through the door, carrying various items and brandishing them ferociously. A candle, a cold trout, and a pair of Marigolds. 

**Sam**: Back off Longshanks! Or I'll av you! 

Strider falls to the floor, racked with laughter, clutching his stomach. Frodo immediately thinks that something's gone wrong again, and starts screaming at Sam to call in a doctor. Barliman walks in again, after a nasty bump on the head, and points at Frodo 

**Barliman**: You! 

Strider comes out of his fit and runs in front of Frodo, shielding him. Barliman looks at Strider. 

**Barliman**: Now now, ranger, this is no matter for you, kindly remove yourself from that hobbit, I have a mind to take him for punishment. 

**Strider**: If by my life or death I can keep this hobbit, I will. 

**Barliman**: [shouts] ENOUGH! I've had it with you lot! Get out of my pub! NOW! 

The hobbits and strider run shrieking from the pub, only to be intercepted by four cloaked riders… 


	9. Fear! Fire! Grannies! Awake!

_Cut to a reporter, holding a microphone in his hand, speaking to the camera, with Weathertop looming behind him._

**Reporter:** This is a frightened country. Over these fields, over these hills hangs a pall of fear. Fear of a new kind of violence, which is terrorizing the hill of Weathertop. No, not Chris Tarrant! Yes, gangs of old ladies attacking defenceless fit young men and hobbits.

_Film of old ladies in dark cloaks beating up two young hobbits; Meri and Pippin, then several wraiths walking aggressively along the road, pushing passers-by aside, and telling the prostate and terrified pedestrians how things were much better back in the day._

**Reporter: **[Pulling aside Frodo as he runs from the hill] Excuse me, can you tell me about the incident that you just encountered with the grannies?

**Frodo: **Well they come up to you, and push you - shove you on the floor, like. I think I may have fell into poo. Do you know how much it costs to get these dry-cleaned? It was a present from uncle Gandalf, too. There's usually four or five of them. Old ladies that is, not the cloaks. One of the buggers stabbed me in the shoulder too. Again, that's the pensioners, not the cloaks… I don't think I have ever been stabbed by a cloak. Got a fabric burn once though… [Goes a queer shade of green]

**Sam:** [Running up alongside] Yeah, this used to be a nice neighbourhood before the old ladies started riding in. Nowadays some of us daren't even go down to the shops. It used to be so much better back in the day… 

**Frodo Interrupts: **Sam! No! They got you too…

[Frodo faints]

**Sam:**Mr. Frodo? Mr Frodo! [Nudges reporter] He falls down all the time you know. He does it for attention I think, but I do my best to humour him…

**Pippin: **Well Mr Took's son Tom, he don't go out any more. He comes back from hunting and locks himself in his room. And, just in idle conversation, his laundry is a right royal… Can I say royal? Pain… Especially the sheets.

[Film of grannies harrassing Strider.]

**Reporter:** What are they in it for, these old hoodlums, these layabouts in black cloaks?

**Wraith #1: **[voice over] Well it's something to do isn't it? Oh… erm… I mean that is uh… ***screeeeeeeech***

**Wraith #2:** [voice over] No you idiot, it's because our ruler tells us to do it. Oh erm…. ***cackle***

**Wraith #3:** [voice over] It's like you know, well, innit, eh? We're not really grannies you know, we're the Nazgûl, the ring wraiths, bent to the power of the ***choke*** hey! ***Cough*** Whaddya do that for?

**Reporter:** Favourite targets for the ***old ladies*** are fireplaces.

_Film of wraiths carrying off a fireplace; then painting slogans on a wall._

**Shirrif:** [coming up to them] Well come on, come on, off with you. Clear out, come on get out of it. [they clear off, he turns to camera] We have a lot of trouble with these oldies. Pension day's the worst - they go mad. As soon as they get their hands on their money they blow it all on milk, bread, tea, tin of meat for the cat. And not forgetting hairnets of course. Catfood and hairnets. 

**Wraith #4:** That's because of the hair thieves! Come in the night, steal your hair they do… ***screeeeeaaaam* **

**Wraith #3: **Shut up. ***eeeek***

[Cut to cinema.]

**Cinema Manager: **Yes, well of course they come here for the two o'clock matinee, all the old bags out in there, especially if it's something like 'The Sound of Music'. We get seats ripped up, hearing aids broken by the screeching, all that sort of thing. AND they keep singing "Roll out the barrel-screech" and "Maybe it's because I'm a Londener", and I don't even know what a Londener is!

_A policeman hustles two grannies out of the cinema. Cut to reporter walking along street._

**Reporter:** The whole problem of these senile delinquents lies in their complete rejection of the values of contemporary society. They've seen their children grow up and become accountants, stockbrokers and even sociologists. Mind you, that would make *me* feel a little evil too, and seen themselves fall into demise under the sway of the one...[disappears downwards rapidly] arggh!

_Shot of two grannies replacing manhole cover. Cut to our four hobbits in Middle-earth again._

**Sam:** Oh well we sometimes feel we're to blame in some way for what the wraiths became. I mean they used to be happy here until they, they started on the crochet.

**Reporter:** [off-screen] Crochet?

**Sam: **Yeah. Now they can't do without it. Twenty balls of wool a day, sometimes. If they can't get the wool they get violent. And don't get me started on the hands of bridge… *shudders* What can we do about it?

_Film of wraiths on horses roaring down streets and through a shop. One has 'Hell's Grannies' on his cloak._

**Reporter:** But this is not just an old ladies' town. There are other equally dangerous gangs - such as the baby snatchers.

_Film of five men in baby outfits carrying off a young man from outside a shop. Cut to distraught wife._

**Wife:** I just left my husband out here while I went in to do some shopping and I came back and he was gone. He was only forty-seven.

**Reporter: **And on the road too, vicious gangs of humpbacked bridge signs.

_Film: two humpbacked bridge signs attack a vicar._

**Colonel:** [coming up and stopping them] Right, fight, stop it. This film's got silly. Started off with a nice little idea about grannies attacking young hobbits, but now it's just got silly. This man's hair is too long for a vicar too. These signs are pretty badly made. Right, now for a complete change of mood.

_Cut to a female hobbit dancing the springle-ring_

**Rosie:**Where's Sam when I need him? My bunions need treatment! Attend me! 


	10. A New Hope What? Wrong film dumbass!

Scene: The camera swoops over Isengard and up to the Pinnacle of Orthanc where Gandalf is held prisoner all of a sudden. A moth flutters into view and is caught by Gandalf, who whispers to it

**Gandalf (whispering):** Gwaihir. Go, Gwaihir, I need that hat back. It was my party trick! Well, one of them : my other involves breakdancing in the Orthanc basement with Saruman, but all that spinning on ones head does make one dizzy. Um.

Gandalf sends it off, before collapsing in a fit of tears, the moth flies away. Scene swoops down into the Caverns of Isengard as forging of weapons and armour are well underway. Saruman observes all the activity with pride and witnesses the birth of Lurtz and the Uruk Hai.

**Lurtz:[cringing]** EEW! I'VE GOT GOO ALL OVER ME!!!

**Saruman:** Whom do you serve, oh goo-covered one?

**Lurtz:** Not telling.

**Saruman:** What? You WILL answer me, for I am your master!

**Lurtz:** There you go then.

**Saruman:** Eh?

**Lurtz:** You've answered your own question, haven't you? Now stop waffling and pass me the pumice stone, some of this cack is very hard to get off, and I have make-up in an hour. Do you KNOW how long it takes to get that white hand thingie right? DO you?

**Saruman:** Insolent fool! No bread and butter pudding for YOU!

**Narrator:** So, the ring wraiths? ahem, hells grannies, continued to chase the hobbits and Strider through the countryside. Gorgeous place middle-earth isn't it? Lovely cows… vicious buggers, cows. A cow bit my sister in law once… Cows really DO spoil things so. Leaving their mess everywhere like that. AND the chip wrappers. In fact, next time I see a cow, I'M going to bite one of THEM, see how THEY like it! A-ha! *listens to voice in earpiece* Well yes of COURSE I eat them normally, but I'm going to bite an uncooked one...never mind. You're stifling me. Stifling.

We see Frodo and a male make-up artist, who is dabbing grey ash over Frodo's face.

**Make up Artist:** A little grey here, maybe a dab or so of white around the eyes, and my darling, you must have some of this fake blood on your nose, you'll just look so rough!

**Narrator:** Ahem?

The make-up artist scampers off giggling. The five companions run through the trees, Strider holding Frodo on his shoulders. Sam turns back and gives Strider a very evil look as they continue.

**Sam:** Mr. Frodo? to StriderHe's going cold!

**Pippin:** Is he going to die?

**Strider:** He's passing into the shadow world. He will soon become a hells granny like them.

Frodo gasps, and a tear falls from his face, leaving a pink streak behind it. The Nazgul cry is heard from a distance

Strider kneels at Frodo's side and attempts to dress the wound.

**Strider:** There is only so much I can do for him...he needs Elvis medicine

**Sam:** Uh-huh-huh!

**Strider:** I beg your pardon???

**Sam:** I SAID uh-huh-huh! Thank you very much, uh-huh-huh!

**Strider:** Have you taken leave of your senses, man? Er, Hobbit?

**Sam:** I'm only doing what you asked! You're so touchy!

**Strider:** I SAID he needs Elvish medicine!

**Sam:** No you bloody well did not! Elvis medicine, you said, I heard you clear as day! You SO did! Don't even TRY and deny it! You said, and I quote: There is only so much I can do for him, he needs.....*Whap*

Sam is suddenly on his back, and Strider is rubbing his sore hand.

**Merry:** They're close.

**Strider:** Sam, do you know Athelas plant?

**Sam:** Not talking to you. Meanie. (Sees the look on Strider's face.) Oh....um. Of course. Er. Athelas, you say?

**Strider:** It is also known as Kingsfoil.

**Sam:** Kingsfoil- aye, that's a weed, had a few good times with the help of that little leaf…

**Strider:** It may help to slow the poison. Hurry!

**Sam:** And....Mars bars? I mean, if we're gonna turn this into an all-night thing, we'll at least need Mars bars. Possibly the number for a take-away too? Are there any 24-hour garages in this godforsaken forest?

**Strider:** Just go Sam.

**Sam:** But...

**Strider:** (Interrupting) I'm going to kick you SO hard in the bum that you'll be coughing socks, Samwise my lad!

**Sam:** How wude!

**Strider:** And you need to work on a catchphrase. That one has already been used. And it's crap.

**Sam:** (under his breath) Knackers.

**Strider:** And I heard that...

They search for the plant. Strider finds a small patch and proceeds to collect it. Suddenly a sword is at his throat.

**Arwen:** What's this? A ranger caught off his guard?

Arwen drops her sword abruptly and yelps.

**Arwen:** Ouch! I broke a nail!!!

Frodo, lying on the ground, senses a white light nearing him. He turns towards it, and like a vision, sees Arwen approaching

**Arwen:** Frodo.... Im Arwen. Telin le thaed jalapeno (Frodo, I am Arwen. I come to help you, spicy bum.)

**Arwen:** Lasto beth nîn. Tolo dan na ngalad boilinthebag (Listen to my word. Come back to the light, Uncle Ben)

**Merry:** in aweWho is she?

**Arwen:** kneelsFrodo!

**Sam:** She's an elf.

**Arwen:** He's fading!

Frodo Gasps

**Frodo:** And turn the landing light off, would you? It eeez far too bright for my leeeeetle eyes...

**Arwen:** He's not going to last. We must get him to my father. I've been looking for you for 2 days.

**Merry:** Where are you taking him? Yo! Elf-girl, get back here right now and gimme frodo back!

The hobbits begin to scuffle, arguing over who actually gets to keep Frodo.

**Arwen:** There are 5 wraiths behind you. Where the other 4 are, I do not know. Strider mounts Frodo onto the horse, Asfaloth

**Strider/Aragorn:** Dartho guin Beriain. Rych le ad tolthathon. (Stay with the Hobbits. I will send horses for you)

**Arwen:** Hon mabathon. Rochon ellint im. _(Bugger off! I wanna ride Asfaloth! he doesn't like you, maybe he would if you bathed every so often.)_

**Strider/Aragorn:** Andelu i ven. (_Be like that then.)_

**Pippin:** What are they saying?

**Merry:** [Gives a knowing smile]

**Arwen:** Frodo fîr. Ae athradon i hir, tur gwaith nîin beriatha hon. _(Frodo looks awful. If I get across the river, the talent of my people will give him a great makeover. This week we are using Cacharel.)_

**Pippin:** I know some Elven. Check this out! Il porcupino ni sodomi est...

**Merry:** What? That's not Elven!

**Pippin:** It is too! It refers to the prophecy of the one who will bring balance to the force...

**Merry:** You're a flaming looney. Hold on, that's familiar, anyway. Wrong film, dumbass! Did you even READ the script? AND I've just figured out what your 'Elven' translates into! Il porcupino ni sodomi est, that means 'A hedgehog can't be bugge..'.

**Pippin:** (Interrupting) Oh, go boil your head. At least I'm trying to get into the swing of things.

**Merry:** Just shut up, will you? I'm getting a driving urge to stick my foot in your ear, you know?

**Pippin:** You're getting mighty angry...fear leads to hate, hate leads to anger, anger leads to... suffering!

**Merry:** I am SO going to twat you.

Pippin: EVIL! Evil! Unclean! Strider, Strider, Merry keeps threatening to hit me! Striiiiiiiider!


	11. Flight to the Ford

_The screen is pulled apart in a brutal display of strength by Arwen, who now strides in front of the camera, a swirling canvas of snow now buzzing behind her. _

**Arwen:** Excuse me? Who's part of the film is this? I hardly get a look-in with this adaptation! Now give me my fame will you? 

_Storms off in a huff, Sam appears from the side of the shot. _

**Sam:** Actually, if the film had stayed how it was in the first place, she wouldn't say a word in the first film, she'd just sit in the hall of fire and look sexy. I mean that is er… PJ really did go too far with the ahem OTHER adaptation, but I think this one's much better, captures the spirit a bit better I think. Nothing to do with my pay package at all… 

_Sam is pulled from the shot by Arwen, and then given a damned good scolding. The scene returns to the forest, and Arwen runs back for her close-up._

**Director:**Okay folks! Let's take it from the top!

**Arwen:** [Reassuringly to Aragorn] I do not fear them. 

**Aragorn:** [Looking a little lost] What? Who? You? 

**Arwen: **No you Nit!! The Grannies! [Calms herself with a supreme effort] Where were we? 

_A Stage manager runs into shot and hands the script to Arwen, who reads it over idly, flipping through the pages and ripping out her lines. _

**Arwen:** [Reassuringly] I do not fear them. 

**Aragorn: ** [Blushes] I err… I still don't know who you're talking about. 

**Director:** CUT!!! 

_The director strides onto the set, and takes Aragorn by his shoulders, walking him around to speak with him. The camera follows. _

**Director:** Look, strider buddy, this is your girlfriend, I need a little focus from you here okay? Hells grannies, everywhere [motions with his hands] closing in on you and the hobbits. Frodo's only hope is to be taken to Rivendell with Arwen, and there he must be healed of his wounds. 

**Aragorn:** I thought he was going for a err… makeover? 

**Director: **[Looking a little perplexed] Are you feeling okay buddy? 

_After a little more pep-talk, the scene restarts _

**Arwen:** I do not fear them. 

**Aragorn:** I err… heh. 

_Arwen thrusts the script into his hands. _

**Aragorn:** [Reading the script at last] _Be jest lin _(I do – I'm scared mommy!) Oh! Those are the lines... hmm okay where were we? Arwen… Ride hard, don't look back! 

**Arwen: **[Sighs with relief and climbs upon Asfaloth, behind Frodo] _Noro Lim Asfaloth!_ (Lets get the hell out of here horsie!) 

_Arwen reaches the river, and splashes across the ford. She pauses and looks back. The Hells Grannies have stopped at the edge of the water _

**Wraith#1:** Give up the half-ling she-elf! 

**Arwen:** draws her sword If you want him, come and claim him! 

_The Nazgul draw their swords and begin to cross the ford _

**Arwen: **[Looks very frightened]Oh… bugger… _Nîn o Chithaeglir, lasto beth daer, Rimmo nîn Bruinen dan in Ulaer! Nîn o Chithaeglir, lasto beth daer, Rimmo nîn Bruinen dan in Ulaer! _(*Censored*) 

_The water level rises. A great flood comes around the bend, with peaks like white horses. The Nazgul are cast from their mounts and washed away down the river _

_Frodo starts to slip from the horse. Arwen lays him on the ground _

**Arwen:** No! Frodo...No! Frodo, don't give in! Not now! Arwen cries and embraces Frodo 

**Voice Over of Arwen: **What grace is given me, let it pass to him, let him be spared, save him. 

**Arwen: **[Stopping abruptly] Do you think this scene is too much? I do dearly like it, I wish it would never end; this is the only time I'm the only character able to speak in one scene! And I do love the sound of my voice so… [Plays with her hair] PJ Didn't like me doing this scene in the OTHER film, he's very tarty about things like that – doesn't like you to improvise anythi… 

**Frodo:** EXCUSE ME? Dying hobbit in need of hugging here! 


	12. Lessons in Rivendell

**Narrator:** And so, the hobbits arrived at Rivendell. There, Frodo's nasty cut was mended, and the grey make-up removed from his face with some nice clean moisturising cream. The beautician skill of the elves was not to be questioned, and he came to dinner the next day looking like a completely new hobbit. Sam, merry and Pippin all ate with him, and they had a joyous feast with the elves. Shortly after dinner, the gathered crowd moved to the hall of fire, where poetry and songs could begin. 

_Bilbo walks up to Aragorn, who is seen looking through the curtains at Arwen. The elves within the hall are celebrating their guest's recovery._

**Bilbo:** [To Aragorn] 'Evening, squire! 

**Aragorn:** [stiffly] Good evening, Bilbo. 

**Bilbo:** Ah, the lady Arwen… is she uh... is she a goer, eh? Know whatamean, know whatamean, nudge nudge, know whatamean, say no more? 

**Aragorn:** Bilbo, what are you talking about? 

**Bilbo:** Your uh, your elf-friend, does she, go eh? Does she go? 

**Aragorn:** [flustered] Well, she sometimes 'goes', yes. 

**Bilbo:** Aaah bet she does, I bet she does, say no more, know whatamean, nudge nudge? 

**Aragorn:** [confused] I'm afraid I don't quite follow you… 

**Bilbo:** Follow me. Follow me, that's good! A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat! 

**Aragorn:** Bilbo, my dear hobbit, I think you may have gone insane. 

**Bilbo:** Is uh, your elf-friend, is she a sport, ay? 

**Aragorn:** Um, she likes sport, yes. 

**Bilbo:** I bet she does, I bet she does! 

**Aragorn:** As a matter of fact she's very fond of croquet. (sp?) 

**Bilbo:** 'Oo isn't? Likes games eh? Knew she would. She's been around a bit, eh? She's been around? 

**Aragorn:** Yes she has travelled, she's from Lórien. 

**Bilbo:** SAY NO MORE!! Lórien, saynomore saynomore saynomore squire! 

**Aragorn:** I wasn't going to! 

**Bilbo:** Oh, [leeringly] Still, mooooooh, ay? Mwoohohohohoo, ay? Hohohohohohoho, ay? 

**Aragorn:** Look, are you insinuating something? 

**Bilbo:** Oh no, no, no, no … yes 

**Aragorn:** Well? 

**Bilbo:** Well, you're a man of the world, Dúnedain. 

**Aragorn:** yes… 

**Bilbo:** I mean, you've been around a bit, you know, like, you've uh… You've done 'it'… 

**Aragorn:** What do you mean? 

**Bilbo:** Well, I mean like, you've SLEPT, with a lady… 

**Aragorn:** Yes… 

**Bilbo:** What's it like? 


	13. Four Poncy Elves

_Legolas, Elrond, Arwen, and Glorfindel are gathered in the Hall of fire. They're having a mindless babble to each other in their own tongue, while the hobbit Frodo speaks with his Uncle Bilbo, who just entered. _

**Legolas:** [Looks around] Very passable, isn't it? Very passable. 

**All:** Right, all right. 

**Glorfindel:** Good glass of Miruvor, ain't just that, sire? 

**Elrond:** Oh, you're right there, Glor. 

**Glorfindel:** Right. 

**Legolas:** Who would have thought, three hundred years ago, we'd all be sitting here drinking this kind of Miruvor, eh? 

**All:** Aye, aye. 

**Arwen:** Them days we were glad to have the price of a cup of tea. 

**Glorfindel:** Right! A cup of cold tea! 

**Arwen:** Right! 

**Legolas:** Without milk or sugar! 

**Elrond:** Or tea! 

**Arwen:** In a cracked cup and all. 

**Legolas:** Oh, we never used to have a cup in the forest! We used to have to drink out of rolled-up oak leaves! 

**Glorfindel:** The best we could manage was to suck on a piece of damp cloth. 

**Elrond:** But you know, we were happy in those days, although we were poor. 

**Arwen:** _Because_ we were poor, father! 

**Elrond:** Right! 

**Arwen:** My old dad used to say to me: "Money doesn't bring you happiness, my dear girl!" 

**Legolas:** He was right! 

**Elrond:** Yes, of course I was right! I always am! 

**Legolas:** I was happier then and I had nothing! Young elves these days… they don't know they're born. We used to live in this tiny old tumbled-down house with great big holes in the roof, and huddle around a pile of fossilized Balrog poo for warmth. And we'd like it too. 

**Glorfindel:** House! You were lucky to live in a house! We used to live in one room, all twenty-six of us, no furniture, half the floor was missing, we were all huddled together in one corner for fear of falling into the pit of Khazad-Dum. 

**Elrond:** You were lucky to have a room! We used to have to live in the corridor! 

**Arwen:** Oh, we used to dream of living in a corridor in Lórien father! Would have been a palace to us! We used to live in an old well in a field. We'd all wake up every morning by having a load of stagnant water dumped all over us! House, huh! 

**Legolas:** Well, when I say a house, it was just a hole in the ground, covered by a sheet of cloth, but it was a house to us! 

**Glorfindel:** We were evicted from our hole in the ground. We had to go and live in a lake! 

**Elrond:** You were lucky to have a lake! There were 150 of us living in a shoebox in the middle of the road! 

**Arwen:** A cardboard box? 

**Elrond:** Aye! 

**Arwen:** You were lucky! With granny we lived for three months in a rolled-up newspaper in a swamp! We used to have to get up every morning, at six o'clock and clean the newspaper, go to work down the healing homes, fourteen hours a day, week in, week out, for a shilling a week, and when we got home, our gran would thrash us to sleep with her belt! 

**Glorfindel:** _Luxury_! We used to have to get up out of the lake at three o'clock in the morning, clean the lake, eat a handful of hot gravel, work twenty hours a day at healing homes, for half a shilling every month, come home, and dad would beat us around the head and neck with a broken bottle, if we were lucky! 

**Elrond:** Well, of course, we had it tough! We used to have to get up out of the shoebox in the middle of the night, and lick the road clean with our tongues! We had to eat half a handful of freezing cold gravel, work twenty-four hours a day at healing homes for four pence every six years, and when we got home, our dad would slice us in two with a breadknife! 

**Legolas:** Right! I had to get up in the morning, at ten o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of cold poison, work twenty-nine hours a day down healing homes and pay owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our dad Thranduil would kill us and dance about on our graves, singing Blessed Eru! 

**Arwen:** Aah. And you trying to tell the mortal people of today that, and they won't believe you! 

**All:** No, no they won't! 


	14. Council of Elrond JCB Not Included

_The following morning, at the Council of Elrond. Gandalf and Frodo along with a congregation of Men, Elves and Dwarves sit in a semi-circle around a stone pedestal. There are nibbles._

**Elrond:** Strangers from distant lands, friends of old. You have been summoned here to answer the threat of Mordor. Middle-Earth stands upon the brink of destruction. None can escape it. You will unite or you will fall. Each race is bound to this fate--this one doom. [Gestures to the pedestal] Bring forth the Ring, Frodo. Fear my. Short senten. Ces. 

_Frodo rises and lays the Ring on the pedestal and returns to his seat. People start whispering, because his hobbit-tonk is hanging out._

**Boromir:** So it is true... 

**Attendee:** What, that Hobbits have hair on their feet but not on their... 

**Elven Attendee:** (hurriedly interrupting) The Doom of Men!! 

**Man:** Who said that? Was it you, pointy ears? I bet it bloody was, too! 

**Elven attendee:** Doom of men, doom of men, not of elves, nerr nerr. 

(Stops when Elrond glares at him) 

**Boromir:** It is a gift, a gift to the foes of Mordor. Why not use this Ring? [Paces] It will look SUPER with this greaves, and if I can't have it, it'll do for a pressie for our nan. [Notices the strange looks he is receiving] Anyway! Long has my father, the Steward of Gondor, kept the forces of Mordor at bay. By the blood of our people are your lands kept safe! Give Gondor the weapon of the enemy. Let us use it against him! Let us buy 4 more, wear them all, and smack him square on the bonce!! Haveatyou! Hwaaaaa! [Starts to wave arms and legs about in a vaguely threatening manner] 

**Aragorn:** You cannot wield it! None of us can. The One Ring answers to Sauron alone. It has no other master. 

**Boromir:** And what would a ranger know of this matter? 

**Legolas (jumping up):** This is no mere ranger. He is Aragorn, son of Arathorn. You owe him your allegiance! And at LEAST 20 gold coins for the nibbles! 

**Boromir:** Aragorn? This... is Isildur's heir? 

**Legolas:** No, his hair will have rotted away ages ago, what with him being a corpse and all that. And heir to the throne of Gondor. 

**Boromir:** The throne of Gondor is NOT hairy! Hi-ya! Wataaaaaaaaah! It is cushioned and nice. Chop-socky! 

_Frodo looks wide-eyed at Boromir, and then Aragorn_

**Aragorn:** Havo dad Legolas (Sit down Legolas) 

**Legolas:** Yes please, two sugars. 

**Aragorn:** No, I said Havo DAD, Legolas. 

**Legolas:** How DARE you! I changed them this morning. 

**Aragorn:** You know, for an Elf, you grasp of the language is masterful. PLEASE sit down. 

**Boromir:** Gondor has no king. Gondor needs no king. Returns to his seat 

**Gandalf:** Aragorn is right. We cannot use it. 

**Elrond:** You have only one choice... (A mysterious drum-roll type thing can be heard. Everyone looks around puzzled) The Ring must be destroyed. (Camera zooms in on Elronds fiz) Yes.... (Camera zooms out)... destroyed. (Camera in) 

**Gimli:** What are we waiting for? Gimli grabs an axe and approaches the pedestal 

**Gimli:** ARGH!!!! 

_Gimli strikes the Ring with full force but is repelled back, throwing him to the ground. Concurrently, Frodo sees the Eye of Sauron in his mind and winces in pain. The Ring remains intact with the shards of the axe all around it _

**Ring (whispers):** Ooooh, you git. Gonna need to be polished, y'know. Git git git git git. 

**Elrond:** The Ring cannot be destroyed, Gimli, son of Gloin… In the background we see Gimli, sneaking up on the ring with what appears to be a baseball bat by any craft that we here possess… A dull thwack is heard, Gimli is again thrown back, and wanders off into the bushes muttering darkly The Ring was made in the fires of Mount Doom. In the background a loud rumbling noise can now be heard, and a bright yellow helmet replaces Gimli's traditional Dwarven one as he pans across the background on a JCB Only there can it be unmade. It must be taken deep there is a scream of tortured metal, and much cursing in Dwarven, which, as we know, contains absolutely no vowels whatsoever. It sounds like a buffalo clearing an armour-plated frog from its throat. Into Mordor and cast back into the fiery chasm from whence it came. 

_Gandalf extricates the struggling Dwarf from the wreckage of the JCB, picks him up by the beard and places him back in his seat _

Yes....... (pauses).....from whence it came..... (Camera close up again.) 

**Ring (whispers):** _Ash Nazg_

**Elrond:** What did you just say, Ring? 

**Ring:** _Ash Nazg,_ I said. 

**Elrond:** Right, WHAT does 'Ash nazg' mean, and how did you say it in italics like that? 

**Ring:** S'Ash nazg. It's myffic. Dosen't have to mean anyfing, right? I just whisper, all sibilant, like, and everyone KNOWS I am all magical and stuff. It's the LORE. 

**Elrond:** One of you must do this. 

_Dead silence from the council, broken by Gimli, helmet removed and with a white headband 'pon his brow, screaming 'HI-YA!', leaping in the air, attempting to headbutt the ring, doing so, and falling on the floor, swearing profusely _

**Boromir:** One does not simply walk into Mordor. Its black gates are guarded by more than just orcs. There is evil there that does not sleep. Dogs. Watchful dogs. And cows, too. AND those lizards with eyes that look in may directions at once. Sloth's, too. And the great Eye is ever watchful. It is a barren wasteland. Riddled with fire and ash and dust, not an ASDA for many miles... The very air you breathe is a poisonous fume. Not with ten thousand men could you do this. It is folly! 

**Legolas (stands):** Have you heard nothing Lord Elrond has said? The Ring must be destroyed! 

**Gimli**: (leaps to feet, staggers, falls on his ass again, and a voice from behind the pillar can be heard) And I suppose you think you're the one to do it?! 

**Boromir (rises):** And if we fail, what then?! What happens when Sauron takes back what is his? 

**Council attendee:** *Gasp* The hedge clippers? No! (He is steadfastly ignored by all and sundry) 

**Gimli:** I will be dead before I see the Ring in the hands of an elf! 

**Elven attendee:** That's the general idea, shortarse! 

**Gimli:** Why you arrogant fool! 

**Elven attendee:** You say arrogant as if it is a bad thing... [turns to the camera, flashes a smile which, against all the laws of dentistry, manages to actually gleam and make a noise which can best be described as 'ting'. The other Elven members, amidst much 'yo!'ing and high-fiving do a small victory dance, much loin-thrusting and making of the noise 'Ooooh!' ensues.] 

_Commotion starts as arguments erupt among the council members_

**Gimli:** Never trust an elf! 

**Gandalf:** Do you not understand that while we bicker amongst ourselves, Sauron's power grows? None can escape it! 

_One of the Elves trips and falls, over what appears to be nothing - however, the Dwarf behind him is whistling and smirking a little TOO nonchalantly... _

_Frodo remains seated, watching the Ring uneasily, the angry figures of the council reflected on its surface. Suddenly, flames flare up, engulfing the surface of the Ring _

**Ring:** _Ash Nazg Durbatuluk! Ash Nazg Gimbatul! Ash Nazg Gimbatul! Ash Nazg Gimbatul!_ (I want nibbles! I want nibbles! I want nibbles! ) 

_The intensity of the arguments increase. Slowly, determination dawns on Frodo's face. He stands and takes a few steps toward the arguing council, trying to make his voice heard above the din _

**Frodo:** I will take it! I will take it! 

_The argument dies down. Gandalf closes his eyes as he hears Frodo's statement. The members of the council slowly turn towards Frodo, astonished_

**Frodo:** I will take the Ring to Mordor. Though-- I do not know the way. 

**Attendee:** Well, lemme see, how many other absolutely humongous fire-belching mountains are there on the skyline? I know, let's count! 

Uhhhhhh..... one! Just the one! Oh, and looky here! It's in Mordor, too...could it be Mount Doom? You know, I just think that it might be! Don't know the way my arse. 

**Gandalf:** walks towards FrodoI will help you bear this burden, Frodo Baggins, so long as it is yours to bear. places his hands reassuringly on Frodo's shoulders 

**Aragorn (rises):** If by my life or death, I can protect you, I will. Approaches Frodo and keels before him You have my sword. 

**Legolas:** And you have my bow. Walks to join them 

**Gimli:** And my axe! Looks grimly at Legolas as he joins the group 

**Attendee:** And my Hedge trimmers! 

**Ring:** And my nibbles you git! _Ash nazg thingummy_! 

**Boromir:** walks over to them You carry the fates of us all little one. If this is indeed the will of the council, then Gondor will see it done. 

**Sam:** Heh! Jumps from behind the bushes and joins them Mr. Frodo is not goin' anywhere without me! 

**Elrond:** amused No indeed, it is hardly possible to separate you even when he is summoned to a secret council and you are not, you little git. Sod off. 

**Pippin and Merry:** emerge from behind the pillars to join them Wait! We are coming too! 

**Elrond:** Fer cryin out loud! I dunno, you don't see one of you little gobshites for 60 odd years, then all of you buggers turn up at once! I swear that the next one of you little scrotes that turn up unannounced is in for a dandruff salad, and this is a few thousand year old forehead you're looking at, m'laddo! Um. 

**Merry:** You'd have to send us home tied up in a sack to stop us! 

**Elrond:** Don't think I haven't considered it, bollock-chops...via a waterway, too. 

**Pippin:** Anyway you need people of intelligence on this sort of mission, quest... thing. 

**Merry:** Well that rules you out Pip. 

**Elrond:** Nine companions... So be it! You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring! It sounds good, rolls off the tongue, and will make an excellent book title. 

**Pippin:** Great! Where are we going? 


	15. A new purpose

**Narrator:** The wise Gandalf was the first to join Frodo's defenders, along with the elf Legolas and the dwarf Gimli, but other illustrious names were soon to follow: Aragorn the Brave; Sam Gamgee the Pure; and Merry and Pippin, the Not-quite-so-brave-as-Aragorn, who had nearly fought the Ring wraiths of Sauron, who had nearly stood up to the vicious Barrow-wights of the forest, and who had personally wet themselves at the Battle of Weathertop; and the aptly named Sir Not-appearing-in-this-film. Together they formed a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries, the Fellowship of the Ring. 

_As the Fellowship rides through the countryside on their invisible horses, the clouds suddenly part, and the image of Eru shines forth. The Fellowship is stunned - they halt immediately, dismount, and fall to their knees._

**Eru:** Aragorn! Aragorn, King of Gondor! Oh, don't grovel! If there's one thing I can't stand, it's people grovelling.   
  
**Aragorn:** Sorry!!   
  
**Eru:** And don't apologize. Every time I try to talk to someone it's 'sorry this' and 'forgive me that' and 'I'm not worthy'. [The Fellowship stands and covers their eyes] What are you doing now?   
  
**Aragorn:** I'm averting my eyes, oh Lord. 

**Eru:** Well, don't. It's like those miserable elvish songs -- they're so depressing. Now knock it off! 

**Aragorn:** Yes, Lord.   
  
**Eru:** Right! Aragorn, King of Gondor -- your Fellowship shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times.   
  
**Aragorn:** Good idea, oh Lord!   
  
**Eru:** 'Course it's a good idea! Behold! Aragorn, this is the Ring of Sauron. Look well, Aragorn, for it is your sacred task to destroy this ring. That is your purpose, Aragorn - the Quest to destroy the Ring - and kill off that Sauron while you're at it, he's getting to be such a ninny, what with those Orcs and his precious Ring wraiths and whatnot... 

_Grumbling, the image draws back as the clouds reform above them, leaving the group stunned. _

**Aragorn:** A blessing! 

**Legolas:** A blessing from the Lord! 

**Sam:** Eru be praised! 


	16. CREBAIN YOU ARCHIDIOT!

Scene: We see the fellowship travelling across the lands of middle earth, and walking into the wind so that their hair flutters around them in an all-round sexy way… until Gimli comes that is 

**Narrator: **We meet the hobbits and their companions upon their journey… 

**Pippin:** Oh, you promised you wouldn't do fruit this week. 

**Boromir:** What do you mean? 

**Merry:** We've done fruit the 2 weeks. 

**Boromir:** What's wrong with fruit? You think you know it all, eh? 

**Pippin:** Can't we do something else for a change? 

**Sam:** Like someone who attacks you with a pointed stick? 

**Boromir:** Pointed stick? Oh, oh, oh. We want to learn how to defend ourselves against pointed sticks, do we? Getting all high and mighty, eh? Fresh fruit not good enough for you eh? Well I'll tell you something, shorty. When you're walking along tonight and some crazed orc comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, don't come crying to me! Now, the passion fruit. When your assailant lunges at you with a passion fruit... 

_Accidentally slices Pippin with the stem of a passion fruit, to which Pippin is angered and kicks Boromir in the shins… Merry attacks as well, and the three "playfully" fall to the ground. Frodo and Sam giggle slightly, while Legolas stands upon a rock and squints into the distance. Gimli meanwhile is talking to Gandalf._

**Gimli: **If it were up to me Gandalf my old chum, I'd say we were taking the long way round, and my footsies hurt so badly they do when we walk for so long. Why not pass through the realm of Moria? My cousin Balin, would give us a royal welcome, red carpet an all! 

**Gandalf:** No Gimli, I would not pass through Moria for anything. 

_Strider looks over at Legolas, who is still gazing at the distant sky. _

**Aragorn:** What is it Leggy? [To the others] Eyes of a hawk this one. 

**Legolas: **[Looks for a little while longer, before turning.] Crebain, from Dunland. 

_Gandalf looks confused._

**Gandalf:** Crebain? What the smeg? 

**Aragorn:** Oh you know Gandalf chum, Crebain, like Crabmeat only sweeter, and _so_ much better with that sweet and sour sauce… 

**Legolas:** No you arch-idiot! Crebain… from… from Dunland. 

**Gimli:** Oh! I see! [To Gandalf and Aragorn] That's a dwarf speciality, as provided by our female companion Dis. Lovely woman… very reasonable prices… 

_Legolas sighs and runs to the hobbits and Boromir, and whispers in Boromirs ear. The Crebain are now very close._

**Boromir:** Crebain? Crebain? 

Merry: [Shocked] NO! Not.. Chris Tarrant? 

_Merry starts to run around screaming, until he's stopped dead in his tracks by Leggy's arm._

**Legolas:** [Sighs] CROWS OKAY? CROWS CROWS FRICKIN' CROWS!!!!! 

**Gandalf:** Quickly! 

_Promptly do the companions clear away the mess they had made and hide beneath the rocks. The birds flash by in a cloud of black. _

_The camera shot moves to Legolas' scowling face as the others watch the crows fly overhead._

**Legolas:** Commoners… 

**Narrator:** And so, hide they did, silly buggers… under stones of all things! The crows passed overhead, and they came out of their hiding, realising that they should take the pass of Caradhras. 

**Gandalf:** Spies of Saruman! The passage south is being watched. We must take the Pass of Caradhras. 

**Narrator:** Hey! Grey chops! You deaf sonny? That's what I just said! Now if you're not going to pay attention to your very own narrator? Ooh looky the hobbit's going to fall over! 

The Fellowship climbs the snowy slopes of Caradhras. Frodo looses his footing and falls, rolling down the slope towards Aragorn, who looks down at him with a slight sparkle in his eyes 

**Aragorn:** [Thoughtful voiceover] Mmm, hobbit fancies… 

**Frodo:** Oof! 

**Aragorn:** Frodo! Helps him to his feet. Frodo searches himself for the Ring. Trouser pocket, breast pocket, Mithril ring holder produced by Moria Inc…. Finding it is missing, he looks back up the slope. Boromir sees the Ring on the snow and picks it up by its chain 

**Aragorn:** Boromir. 

**Boromir (looking at ring):** It is a strange fate we should suffer so much fear and doubt over so small a thing… such a little thing. 

**Frodo:** I've told you before, it's NOT small, it's just that it may LOOK small compared to yours, I'm only short you know. And anyway, it's not the size it's what you do with it that... 

**Boromir:** clears throat I'm talking about the Ring, Frodo. Starts to fondle the Hobbits ring 

**Ring:** Ooh lemme go you ugly git! Got snow all over me already, last thing I need is your filthy paws marring my lovely chain! 

**Aragorn:** Boromir! Give the Ring to Frodo. 

**Ring:** [Childishly] Yes, Boromir, give the ring to Froo-do! Frodo, dodo, Frodo... 

**Boromir:** hands it to Frodo As you wish. I care not. 

**Ring:** Liar. 

Frodo grabs the Ring from him. Boromir jokingly tousles Frodo's hair then turns to resume climbing 

**Ring:** PAH! As if stealin' me weren't enuff, now you've gone and messed his hair up! Gonna take hours more of the make-up department's much-wasted time, that! 

**Legolas:** [To ring] No, for they use Loth-L'oriel. *Flicks hair in advert fashion* because you're worth it! 

**Aragorn:** Leggy! How many adverts ARE you getting paid for??? 

Legolas shuts up promptly

Frodo looks on suspiciously. Aragorn releases his grip from his sword and his bowels 

The ring is put back in Frodo's pocket 

**Ring: **Aaw! Come on! I was only 'avin a bit of fun, like! Lemme back out! I swear I won't run off again! I just wanted to see a bit of the world, you know, build some memories like! And I gets COVERED in lint in ere!!! 

Scene goes to Crebain returning to Isengard - beneath Orthanc 

**Saruman:** So, Gandalf, you try to lead them over Caradhras. And if that fails, where then will you go? The number 14 bus route? If the mountain defeats you will you risk a more dangerous ro- 

Saruman is stopped by a massive beam of wood swinging towards his head… he ducks just as it flies over him 

**Saruman:** ACK! Watch how you're swinging those things! You almost lopped me head off! Turns to nearest Orc This place proper gets up my nose, you know. What's a man with the suffix to his name 'The White' supposed to do? I USED to be Saruman the Burberry, but after being covered in so much crebain-poo, it was easier to just dress in white, cos that's what colour crow-crud is. Then I have to stand next to you gits, all slimy and grim, and my 'white' robes get dirty. Would you care to hazard a guess as to exactly how thick my robes are? Two feet thick. I'd love to change them but I can't actually get it off anymore, and it's all YOUR fault! AND after you lot get me dirty I have to stand under crows - not a pleasant experience, let me tell you! Saves on buying dye for streaking my hair though...and ANOTHER thing.... Saruman launches into a tirade 

**1st crow:** He's off again. 

**2nd crow:** Yup. 

**1st crow:** Shall we go take a dump on him? 

**2nd crow:** Right you are, sir... 

Off they swoop, in amongst the fires, pits and mines of Orthanc, the shrill cries of other crows ringing in their ears, the harsh calls of the labouring Orcs floating up on the fetid air...and then the soft, subtle sound of a crebain preparing to enrich the loam...or in this case, Saruman... 


	17. The Pass of Caradhras

Scene - The Pass of Caradhras 

Fellowship with the exception of Legolas plods through the snow. Legolas walks on top, keeping watch. We see he is wearing a t-shirt under his tunic with the slogan 'Lembas is A-Okay!' Printed on it in capital black letters. The fellowship has thus far ignored the t-shirt, seeing as they realise that leggy is being paid big bucks to advertise the Lembas wafers 

Voice of Saruman is heard 

**Voice of Saruman:** _Cuiva nwalca Carnirassë nai yarvaxëa rasselya_! (For Gawd's sake let's make this film a little more exciting! Bring on the snow!) 

**Legolas:** There is a fell voice on the air. 

**Aragorn:** Fell voice? Fell voice? How can a voice fell... er that is fall? 

**Pippin:** Oh come on strider that's easy! [Lowers his voice, and sounds surprisingly like Pavarotti, who is so large that he exists in all dimensions, fictional or otherwise, at the same time. So no being pedantic.] My voice has fallen. [His voice returns to normal] See? 

**Merry:** [Nodding] Yeah, and if you want your voice to go higher you just suck on a helium balloon. 

**Pippin:** What's Helium? 

**Merry:** Um...It's what priests and clerics do, I think. As to why it makes your voice squeaky and it fit's in a balloon, it's anyone's guess... 

Aragorn ignores them as he trudges on through the snow, behind Gandalf, who suddenly recognises the voice. 

**Gandalf:** Its Saruman! We used to call him 'Ol' fell voice' back at wizard school! 

First avalanche falls. It misses the Fellowship by a hair's length – about the length of Legolas's hair ON HIS HEAD, LADIES, SETTLE DOWN – meaning they weren't in that much danger really 

**Aragorn:** He's trying to bring down the mountain! Gandalf, we must turn back! 

**Gandalf:** No! Gandalf rises on the snow, chants out counter spell 

**Gandalf:** _Losto Caradhras, sedho, hodo, nuitho i 'ruith_! (Sleep Caradhras, be still, lie still, hold your wrath! Don't listen to that ugly Saruman dude… my beard is more neatly curled) 

**Saruman (atop Orthanc):** _Cuiva nwalca Carnirasse; Nai yarvaxea rasselya; taltuva notto-carinnar_! (Oh for gawd's sake… it isn't curled by anyone! You just leave it to grow and grow! Where's the barber when you need him? Go on Caradhras! Kill him! He's not worth looking at, and grey is SO last season!) 

Lightning strikes the tip of Caradhras sending a second avalanche onto the Fellowship below. Legolas snatches Gandalf from the edge, pulling him against the cliff just before the snow buries them completely. After a moment, they emerge from the snow 

**Merry: **[Spluttering] Oh way to go Gandalf chum! Great stuff, truly terrifying, really! The way you stopped him dropping snow on us was fantastic! Everybody now - three cheers for Gandalf the show stopping snow-stopper! 

**Narrator:** At this point, Gandalf threatens to stick his long, wooden, and above all extremely un-smooth staff up an area of Merry where the sun shineth not, but this is a family script (albeit a family like the Simpsons or the Osbournes) so we won't. See? We have your best interests at heart 

Anyway, to cut a long, pointless ramble short, which I suppose I shouldn't do as it's what I get paid for, don't you know, but still... ANYWAY, Merry shut up PDQ. See, if I had just said that, where would the flair be, eh? Alright. Shutting up now. Honest. 

**Boromir:** We must get off the mountain! Make for the Gap of Rohan and take the west road to my city! 

**Aragorn:** The Gap of Rohan takes us too close to Isengard! 

**Ring:** [Whispers] Coward 

**Aragorn:** Shut up! Anyway, I wanted to visit Burger almost-king-once-the-sword-is-reforged-and-I-come-into-my-destiny-at-a-suitably-climatic-part-of-the-film, I'm hungry! 

**Gimli:** If we cannot pass over a mountain, let us go under it. Let us go through the mines of Moria. 

**Gandalf:** You ARE stubborn little bugger aren't you? It's only 'cos you want to meet up with this Dis of yours! I know you haven't had any in years you silly little git! What IS under a Dwarves chain mail, anyway? How do you tell your lads and ladies apart, eh? You ALL have beards. Shudders 

**Gimli:** Well, now it's an interesting story, don't'cha'know. We don't think about you know... jiggly stuff, when we feel the need, the need to breed, we announce it by leaving a nugget of gold outside our door... well, us menfolk do, that is. And any female of our beautiful species can wander along, and it's kinda pot luck for them, see - if they take the gold and enter the house... well, I bet you can guess what goes on next! 

**Gandalf:** That's kind of sweet, actually. So THAT'S how little Dwarves are made! 

**Gimli:** No no no, you misunderstand me - that's how we get them to do the cleaning! What you are thinking used to be true, granted, but with the Dwarven males love of gold, it could lead to some VERY embarrassing confrontations, let me tell you! 

Scene flashes to Saruman in his chamber in Orthanc, reading a page in a book of lore 

**Saruman:** Moria. You fear to go into those mines. The dwarves delved too greedily and too deep. The spades and picks suffered terribly from their insatiable thirst for wealth. You know what they awoke in the darkness of Khazad-dum: Shadow and Flame! 

Yet another swinging beam swings over Saruman's head… he ignores it, and stands, the beam swings back. Saruman does not wake for some time 

Scene returns to Caradhras 

**Gandalf:** grimly Let the Ring bearer decide, thereby absolving me of any blame for my impending demise, leaving me free to blame the short, fat fellow over there. HOWEVER, I can then, after my subsequent rebirth in a more powerful and cleaner incarnation, I can say it was by my own will guided, so to speak, making me look even MORE wise than I obviously already am. Hah! No flies on THIS wielder of the secret something or other! 

Looks around at everyone's expression I said that all out loud, didn't I? Bugger. Anyway, ignore what I just said. What do you reckon, Frodo? 

**Ring:** Typical… never make any decisions yerself do you? Leave it all to everyone else to figure out what to do! 

**Frodo (glances at Sam, who nods with a wink):** Although Aragorn's Burger related shenanigans sounded like fun, we will go through the mines. 

**Sam:** [Thoughtful voiceover] Ooh, dark mines, perfect place for what I've got planned... 

**Gandalf:** So be it. 

**Sam:** [Thoughtful voiceover] YAY!!!!! If it were possible to rub your hands together in your mind, he's doing it... 


	18. The National Union of Working Asses will...

Scene: The Fellowship arrives at the West Gate of Moria 

**Gimli:** in awe The walls of Moria! 

Fellowship walks by the side of the lake. Frodo's foot slips into the water. Frodo gasps 

Gandalf makes out an outline of the doors 

**Gandalf:** Now, let's see. Ithildin -- it mirrors only starlight and moonlight. Moon appears. Doors illuminate Now how's THAT for timing, young Hobbit-me-lad. I'm cool, me. 

**Gandalf:** It reads "The doors of Durin - Lord of Moria. Speak friend and enter. No canvassing." 

**Merry:** What do you suppose that means? 

**Gandalf:** Oh it's quite simple. If you are a friend you speak the password and the doors will open. And they don't have much need for double-glazing. 

**Gandalf:** _Annon Edhellen edro hi ammen_! (Gate of the Elves open now for me!) 

Doors remain closed. Gandalf begins to push it with his staff 

**Gimli:** I can go get the JCB, if you like? 

**Rest of the group:** NO! 

Time passes. The rest of the Fellowship are seated around the doors or near the lake, still waiting for Gandalf to open it 

**Gandalf:** _Ando Eldarinwa a lasta quettanya, Fenda Casarinwa_! (Gate of Elves listen to my word, Threshold of Dwarves!) 

_Eldarinwa, openus tootsweet chopchop cobblersoff_! (Elven door, open right now or I'll rip your knob off! (Doorknob, that is.)) 

**Aragorn:** unhitches Bill's bridle The mines are no place for a pony, even one so brave as Bill. 

**Sam:** sadly Buh-bye Bill 

**Bill:** Hold on a minute...don't I get a say in this? I mean, I come all this way, through LOADS of danger and stuff, and hardly with a mention in the script so far I might add, and as soon as we get a chance to go indoors, it's all like 'Bugger off, Bill'. Well I ain't standing for it, I tells ya. Stamps all four feet at once, an impressive trick The National Union of Working Asses will hear of this! 

**Aragorn:** Go on, Bill, go on. Don't worry Sam, he knows the way home. 

Merry begins to throw stones into the water. Pippin follows suit but Aragorn stops him 

**Aragorn:** Do not disturb the water. 

**Merry:** Why? Why, you spoilsport? 

**Aragorn:** Because. 

**Merry:** Git. 

**Gandalf (exasperated):** Oh, it's useless! Gandalf sits. Frodo stands and looks at the writings intently 

**Frodo:** It's a riddle. Speak "friend" and enter. What's the Elvish word for friend? 

**Gandalf:** Mellon the Hobbits start to giggle childishly behind their hands, muttering words like 'melons' and 'boobies'. Gandalf gives them a look 

The stone doors slowly swing open. The Fellowship enters Moria 

**Gimli:** Soon master elf you will enjoy the fabled hospitality of the dwarves. Roaring fires, malt beer, vodka, whiskey, rum, cider, amoretto, absinthe, bread, bacardi, a selection of cocktails, monkeys, peas, sloth, rum, more rum, spiced rum, mulled wine and ripe meat off the bone. Guaranteed. This, my friend, is the home of my cousin Balin and his wife, Bertha. And it looks like her housekeeping has become a little lax of late... And they call it a mine. A mine! 

**Gandalf:** What's yours? 

**Gimli:** No, it IS a mine. Well, no, what I mean to say is it is NOT really a mine, y'know? 

**Gandalf:** Why is it not yours? Who am I? Are those MY feet? 

**Gimli:** shouts It's a MINE! Get that beard out of your ears and the hat from in front of your eyes and listen it is a MINE, a SHAFT more hobbit giggling, a place for getting ORE 'Did he say 'ore' or 'whor..' Pippin begins, before a well placed Frodo elbow 'accidentally' catches him in the throat A MINE!!! 

**Boromir:** This is no mine, it's a tomb! Dwarf corpses and empty Big Mac wrappers litter the floor 

**Gimli:** Oh! No! Noooo!!! 

Legolas picks up an arrow from the body of a fallen dwarf, examines it and casts it away in disgust 

**Legolas:** Goblins! And if this Dwarf had had his LembasTM, then this would never have happened! Beams brilliantly into the camera 

Legolas, Aragorn and Boromir draw out their swords 

**Boromir:** We make for the Gap of Rohan. We should never have come here. 

The four hobbits are backing toward the door. Something stirs in the water behind them. Bill can be seen, on the far side of the lake, openly laughing at the up and coming misfortune of our merry band of men. Dwarves. Elves. Hobbits. Sloths 

**Boromir:** Now get out of here, get out! 

The whole company starts for the door. Suddenly, Frodo is grabbed from behind and pulled off his feet by the Watcher in the water 

**Sam Merry and Pippin:** Frodo! 

**Sam:** Strider! Hacks at tentacle Get off him! 

The watcher releases Frodo for a split-second, and feigns to disappear under the water. Suddenly one hundred hundred million (honest) tentacles come boiling out of the water and bitchslap the other hobbits aside and grab Frodo around the leg. He is pulled out over the water and into the air 

**Frodo:** aah! 

**Merry:** Aragorn! 

**Aragorn:** ALWAYS with the 'Aragorn this', and 'Strider that' when there is trouble. Why not find someone else when in need do you? Why talking like Yoda am I? Mmmmm? 

Legolas shoots one of the tentacles holding Frodo. Boromir and Aragorn rush to the water with their swords, and attack the Watcher. It flings Frodo wildly in the air. Boromir slices the main tentacle holding Frodo's leg. Frodo falls, and Boromir catches him. Aragorn and Boromir retreat towards the shore 

**Gandalf:** Into the Mines! 

**Boromir:** Legolas! Aim for his eye! Come on! 

Legolas shoots an arrow straight into the Watcher's eye. It pulls back and as the Fellowship race into Moria, it reaches out and slams the gates shut, muttering that it had been promised a far longer exposure in the film. Murmurings of agreement are heard from Bill, still watching and laughing. Slabs of rocks drop down and the roof of the passageway collapses. Total darkness falls. Then a beam of light emits from Gandalf's staff, showing the startled faces of the Fellowship 

**Gandalf:** We now have but one choice. We must face the long dark of Moria. Be on your guard. There are older and fouler things than orcs in the deep places of the world. Gimli's mum, for example. 

The Fellowship carefully picks its way over the floor and up the broad steps 

**Gandalf:** Quietly now. It's a four-day journey to the other side. Let us hope that our presence may go unnoticed. We'll be ok if Gimli isn't wearing his standard Dwarven issue boots of steel... 

**Gimli:** Why you picking on me, eh? I mean it's not like all my friends are probably dead, or anything... Gandalf blows a slobbery raspberry 

The Fellowship enters a great cavern with a serpentine walkway down through the middle. They then climb up steep steps on the side of a cavern with its many buildings and stalagmites above them. Pippin looses his footing and slips onto Merry 

**Merry:** Pippin! 


	19. EAT LEMBAS!

Scene: The Fellowship climbs another flight of stairs to a crossroads in the mine: three portals loom before them 

**Gandalf:** I have no memory of this place 

**Gimli:** Now THERE'S a surprise. Gandalf forgetting something? Surely not! 

The Fellowship rests while Gandalf sits before the portals and tries to decide their course 

**Pippin: **Are we lost? 

**Merry:** No. 

**Pippin:** I think we are. 

**Sam:** Shhh! Gandalf's thinking. 

**Gimli:** Pah! 

**Pippin:** Merry? 

**Merry:** What? 

**Pippin:** I'm hungry. 

**Gimli:** Hah! 

Frodo looks down into the cavern and sees a small figure leaping from stone to stone. Startled, he approaches Gandalf 

**Frodo:** There's something down there. 

**Gandalf:** It's lots of stone. 

**Frodo:** No, something moving down there... 

**Gandalf:** Small stones, no doubt disturbed by our passage. 

**Frodo:** No, it looks almost hobbitlike... 

**Gandalf:** Small, hobbit shaped stones, you know. Stranger things happen at sea. 

**Frodo:** NO, it looks like, and I want to make this QUITE clear, a small, misshapen hobbit, all twisted and bitter, almost like someone who had the ring in his keeping for aeons, with large, luminous, saucer-like eyes and a hissing, rasping voice. Possibly enjoys riddles...other interests drinking, socialising and strangulation. 

**Gandalf:** Oh! It sounds like Gollum... 

**Frodo:** Gollum? Who's that, then? 

**Gandalf:** He's been following us for three days. 

**Frodo:** He escaped the dungeons of Bird-Dog! 

**Gandalf:** Escaped? Or set loose? Or set loose, and THEN escaped? Or perhaps he KNEW they were letting him loose, at which point he escaped, but they KNEW he would do that, so in effect he was set loose? Or it might just be the milkman. Possibly. 

**Aragorn:** I do not doubt that he was allowed to leave Mordor on some evil errand, and one far more sinister than milk-delivery. Reacts Bird-Dog??? Surely you mean Barad-Dur? 

From the distance below, Gollum looks up, his large eyes pierces the darkness and observes the company 

**Gandalf:** He hates and loves the Ring, as he hates and loves himself. He will never be rid of his need for it. Kind of like extremely strong coffee. Or pipe-weed. Yeeeeerrrrrrsss....pipe-weed. Heh. 

**Frodo:** It's a pity Bilbo didn't kill him when he had the chance! 

**Gandalf:** Pity? It was pity that stayed Bilbo's hand, plus the fact that he is a mortal coward and a crap shot. Many that live deserve life, and some that die deserve death. Pauses I made a proper balls-up of that, didn't I? Live...life...die...death, that's the floppy-eared fluffy-tailed sex-mad-mammal. Can you give it to them, Frodo? Not rabbits, I mean, life. Can you? Eh? Eh? Eh? 

Frodo looks at Gandalf out of the corner of his eye, mouthing the words 'TOO much pipe-weed' over his shoulder 

**Gandalf:** Do not be too eager to deal out death in judgement. Even the very wise cannot see all ends. My heart tells me that Gollum has some part to play yet, for good or ill, before this is over. The pity of Bilbo may rule the fate of many - yours not the least. 

Gollum slinks off. Frodo sits down next to Gandalf 

**Frodo:** I wish the Ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened. I wish, I wish...I wish I had a fish. 

**Gandalf:** So do all who live to see such times of no piscine cookery, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. There are other forces at work in this world, Frodo, besides the will of evil. Bilbo was meant to find the Ring, in which case you also were meant to have it. And that is an encouraging thought, although I have no idea why. I'm sure there are less hungry and far more intelligent people it could have gone to...but there you go. It came to you, and you are stuck with it. Deal with it. 

**Gandalf (looks toward one of the doorways):** Ah! It's that way. 

**Merry:** He's remembered! 

**Gandalf:** No, but the air doesn't smell so foul down here. If in doubt, Meriadoc, always follow your nose, and I, with the exception of Master Gimli, have the largest hooter of them all. 

The Fellowship heads down the left-hand passage, and before long they come to a more open space 

**Gandalf:** Let me risk a little more light. 

His staff illuminates a grandiose hall of stone lined with tall pillars and arched ceilings as far as the eye can see. Members of the Fellowship, including Gimli, react in awe 

**Gandalf:** Behold... the great realm and dwarf city of Dwarrowdelf. 

**Sam:** Now there's an eye opener and no mistake. 

Fellowship walks forward through the hall 

**Legolas is singing to himself:** 'The wonderful thing about Lembas, is Lembas a wonderful thing, it's loaded with vitamins and minerals, it's great on top of a spring, it's crunchy munchy for-your-lunchy fun fun fun fun fun, but the most wonderful thing about Lembas iiiiissssss....um' A little lost there. How about a variation of the Dwarven 'Gold' song, Gimli? Begins to sing Lembas, Lembas, Lembas, Lembas...' 

His voice dwindles to echoes in the cavernous... caverns. Gimli sees a ray of sunlight shining through the Chamber of Mazarbul. Corpses lay scattered about 

**Gimli:** Haugh! 

**Gandalf:** Haugh? What? Oh! Gimli! 

Gimli pays no heed to Gandalf, but runs into the chamber. He stops and kneels by a tomb 

**Gimli:** No! No! sob No! sob 

Boromir moves forward and places his hand on Gimli's shoulder 

**Gandalf:** translates the runes on the tomb"Here lies Balin, son of Fundin, Lord of Moria." He is dead then. Its as I feared. 

**Gimli (wails):** _Kilmin malur ni zaram kalil ra narag. Kheled-zâram ... Balin tazlifi. _(Now I shall never get that money he promised to give me for my birthday!!!) 

Gandalf gives his staff and hat to Pippin, who immediately puts the hat on, and pretends to be the great Archmage, Soprendo, and soon, the sounds of his imaginary fireballs and hideous demons summoned from the nether-realm fill the air. Everyone rather pointedly ignores him. Gandalf bends down, and takes from the grasp of a corpse a large and battered book. He opens it and clears the dirt from its pages, to reveal the legend: Moria - it is a very smelly place or The secret diary of Doc, Bashful, Sneezy, Dopey - the Dwarves that made it BIGTIME. 

**Legolas:** to Aragorn We must move on, we cannot linger! 

**Gandalf:** reading "They have taken the bridge, and the second hall. We have barred the gates, but cannot hold them for long. The ground shakes. Drums, drums in the deep. That would be Oggy the drummer, who practises all night long. Turns the page We cannot get out. A Shadow moves in the dark. We cannot get out. I said that already, didn't I? Still haven' bent Dis to my will this month – she is a frigid old hag anyway. They are coming. Oggy still noisy." 

Pippin sees a corpse sitting by a stone well with an arrow in its chest. Curiously, he reaches out and lightly touches the arrow. The arrowhead breaks off from the rest of the corpse, causing first the skull, then the body, then the chain and bucket to go over the side of the well and drop far below, its noise echoes from hall to hall. He winces at each new wave of noise. Then silence. The Fellowship begins to relax, except for Pippin, who has clearly soiled himself. On the floor at his feet is a puddle of embarrassment 

**Gandalf:** slams the book shut Fool of a Took! Throw yourself in next time and rid us of your stupidity! 

Just then, drums echo up from deep below. Terror creeps into their faces 

**Sam:** Frodo! Sting glows blue 

**Legolas:** Eat LEMBAS! Oh yeah, and there are some Orcs nearby, or some such. Let us hold them at bay with the wafer that keeps on giving! Or our swords. 


	20. Final Answer?

**Sam:** Frodo! 

Sting glows blue. Fans of his pop records are mystified. As is Sting himself 

**Aragorn:** Cats! 

**Gandalf:** What? 

**Aragorn:** Hate 'em. Hate 'em! 

Everyone gives the ranger sidelong glances, and the odd shrug, before Legolas comes to his senses 

**Legolas:** Orcs! 

Boromir goes to the door to have a look. Arrows are shot and hit the door near his face 

**Boromir:** I think... I think it might be double-glazing salesmen! FLEE! 

**Legolas:** No, it is Orcs. Divot. 

**Aragorn:** to the Hobbits Get back! Stay close to Gandalf! 

**Gandalf:** Hold on! Why me? If anyone goes for them, they'll be right near me! Eeeeee! Get away, short arses! I am but an old man, my beard is bent, and my knees are knackered. Eeeeee! 

Aragorn, dropping his torch, runs to Boromir and closes the doors. A troll can be heard just outside 

**Boromir (exasperated):** They have a cave troll... are you SURE it isn't salesmen? This is just the kind of tactic they would use... 

Legolas tosses axes to Boromir and Aragorn to help blockade the door. The Fellowship draw out their weapons. Gimli leaps atop Balin's tomb and brandishes his axe 

**Gimli:** Aarrgghhh!!! Let them come! There is one dwarf yet in Moria that still draws breath! 

**Gandalf:** Let's keep it that way then, shall we? Less chopsing, more chopping, as I've always said! 

**Aragorn:** No you haven't. 

**Gandalf:** Haven't what? 

**Aragorn:** Said what you just said! 

**Gandalf:** Which was...? 

**Aragorn:** I can't remember, YOU just said it! 

**Gandalf:** Would it be...Less chopsing, more chopping? 

**Aragorn:** That's the one! 

**Gandalf:** See, I do say it lots. See! 

**Aragorn:** I hate you. 

Orcs begin breaking the door down. Legolas and Aragorn shoot at them through the holes in the door. The orcs break through and the battle begins. The Fellowship engage the orcs, and many swashes are indeed buckled 

****Cue expensive and well choreographed fight scene*** **

A cave troll smashes through the doorway. Legolas shoots him; he growls. You would, too! These aren't those silly plastic arrows with suckers on the end let me tell you. These babies are sharp. Sam looks up, sees the troll swinging his mace down at him, and runs under the troll's legs, pausing only briefly to see what troll goolies look like. The troll swings twice at Gimli, but hits first the tomb, then an Orc instead. The battle rages on 

**Sam:** hits orcs with skillet I think I'm getting the hang of this. 

Legolas kills orcs on a ledge on one wall. The troll swings his chain at Legolas, who avoids it until the troll wraps it around a pillar. Legolas stamps the chain tight and then runs along it onto the troll's head. He shoots the troll and then jumps off, but not before flashing his pearly whites for the camera, and mouthing the words 'Lembas - the choice of a new generation'. 

The troll continues to seek Frodo who tries to evade its searches by hiding around the pillar. The troll finds him easily, due to his belly poking out the other side of the pillar, and grabs him. Frodo falls on his back into a corner. The troll lifts and drags Frodo off the edge 

**Frodo:** Aragorn? Aragorn! Frodo stabs the troll's hand with Sting. The troll drops Frodo to the ground 

**Aragorn:** Frodo! Yaaahh! THERE'S one in your eye, well, your hand, Troll boy! 

Aragorn grabs a spear from the floor and stabs the troll with it. The troll, infuriated, hits Aragorn and sends him flying across the room. He collapses onto the floor. Frodo races after him and tries to arouse him, but that is a different story altogether. Aragorn is too stunned to move 

Frodo begins to run but the troll blocks Frodo's path with its spear, throwing him back. The troll takes aim and stabs Frodo on the chest 

**Frodo:** Ungh! 

**Audience:** Yes! Got rid of the whining, falling over one at last! 

**Sam:** Frodo? Frodo! 

Slow motion: Frodo moans slumps to the floor 

**Merry and Pippin:** Yaahh! They leap onto the troll's head and start stabbing him. The troll flails at its head, finally grabs Merry, swings him around and throws him to the ground. 

The Fellowship redoubles its efforts against Orcs and troll. Gandalf and Gimli take turns stabbing at the troll and dodging out of range. Legolas takes aim. With Pippin stabbing the troll one more time on the head, the troll opens its mouth. Legolas delivers an arrow into its soft palate 

**Troll:** Bugger. The troll moans then collapses to the ground. Pippin is thrown against the floor and is knocked out. There is a moment of silence. All Orcs are dead or have fled 

**Aragorn:** Oh no! He runs towards Frodo and turns him over. Frodo groans 

**Sam:** He's alive! 

**Audience:** DAGNABBIT! 

**Frodo:** I'm all right; I'm not hurt. I had my slow motion moment, and I'm pleased. 

**Aragorn:** You should be dead! That spear would have skewered a wild boar, or even a rabid pigeon! Possibly even a log, but not a really thick one, mind, about the girth of my waist would be a good approximation. I wish it would have speared a cat, though... damn them, damn them all! Evil, EVIL felines! Arrrrghhhh! Oh, and 277 sheets of paper at a distance of 60 feet. Trickier than it sounds, you know. 

**Gandalf:** I think there's more to this hobbit than meets the eye. Frodo reveals his Mithril shirt 

**Pippin:** Frodo! How long have you been wearing shiny ladies nighties? Well, by that I don't mean shiny LADIES, although that would be funny. Could we possibly polish some ladies, and see what happens? Guys? Guys? Needless to say, he is ignored, viciously so 

**Gimli:** Mithril! You are full of surprises Master Baggins. 

Orcs are once again heard down the hall 

**Gandalf:** To the bridge of Khazad-Dum! The Fellowship runs out the rear door of the chamber, closely pursued by an army of orcs. Other orcs spring out from the floor or crawl from the ceiling and down the pillars like spiders. They surround the Fellowship, who have drawn their weapons outward. Just then a fiery light appears at the end of a hall followed by a thunderous growl. The orcs, dismayed, flee panicking in all directions 

**Boromir:** What is this new devilry? I've always wanted to say that. 

**Gandalf:** I... I cannot say. It has become far more terrible than I anticipated... This foe is beyond any of you. Run! 

The Fellowship enters a passageway, then down a flight of steps. Parts of the steps end into a chasm and Boromir nearly falls into one. Legolas pulls him back. The Hobbits too stop short of falling in. They take another flight of stairs down. Aragorn and Gandalf bring up the rear. Legolas sneaks behind Gimli, pretends to push him in, quips 'Saved your life!', and hides behind Aragorn. Gimli froths at the brain 

**Aragorn:** Gandalf... 

**Gandalf:** Lead them on Aragorn. The bridge is near. Aragorn resists Do as I say! Swords are no more use here. Do you have a rocket launcher? No? I didn't think so. I'm the boss. Me. I wear the pointy hat in this here fellowship.... now RUN LIKE MONKEYS! 

**Aragorn:** But Gandalf... what if there are... cats? 

**Gandalf:** Now is not the time, Aragorn. Fly! 

**Gimli:** Fly? Eh? 

The Fellowship encounter a gap on the stairs. Legolas leaps forward and lands on the other side 

**Legolas (beckons):** Gandalf. Gandalf leaps after him 

Arrows whistles into the air, striking the stone steps at their feet. Little do the fellowship know that these were indeed the famous 'Whistly whistler's whistling arrow band' on tour in Moria, but there you go. Things like this always happen. Legolas and Aragorn shoot back 

**Boromir:** Merry! Pippin! Hoo-aah! He takes Merry and Pippin, one on each side, and leaps forward 

**Aragorn:** Sam. He pitches Sam to the other side and is caught by Boromir 

Aragorn reaches to pick up Gimli 

**Gimli:** Holds up his hand. Nobody tosses a dwarf. 

**Aragorn:** *snigger* 

He leaps forward but nearly falls back into the chasm. Legolas grabs his beard 

**Gimli:** Not the beard! 

**Legolas:** Would you prefer I grabbed you by the goolies? 

**Gimli:** (blushing) We-eell... now you come to mention it.... 

Some of the stone steps crumble and fall into the abyss. Aragorn pushes Frodo back up the steps and clambers after him. They struggle to their feet and look at the widened gap that separates them from the rest of the fellowship 

The unseen foe is heard approaching from the other hall, its the fiery light is seen getting closer, and a sound like a celebrity elephant rings it's clarion call into the air. Lost? You'll see in a minute, it'll all make sense, honest! Well, it will if you know who the demon is. Bear with me on this one. Stone structures around the mine collapse as it draws near. A huge rock falls from the ceiling and smashes down the steps behind Aragorn and Frodo, creating another gap behind them and weakening the stairs' foundation. The stairs begin to wobble 

**Aragorn:** Stay there. Hold on. Hang on! Lean forward! 

**Frodo:** Sheesh! Which of them should I do? Give me a break! 

**Aragorn:** Don't think I haven't been tempted... neck would be favourite right now... 

**Legolas:** Come on! They shift their weight forward, tipping the stairs across the divide and slamming onto the steps where their companions are. They leap across to safety. Turning, they continue to run down the stairs as the stone structures collapse behind them 

**Gandalf:** Over the bridge! Fly! 

**Gimli:** Er...dunno how to break this to you, Gandalf old boy, but we have LEGS. Flying isn't an option. If it was, we'd have been over the mountains, toot sweet. Nice thought though, thanks for trying. S'obvious why you're the boss, and all that. 

The Fellowship crosses the bridge. Gandalf turns to face the new foe. The enemy, masked in great plumes of fire and smoke, can be heard growling 

**Gandalf:** You cannot pass! The demon steps forward from his shadowy haven, and towering over Gandalf, reveals himself to be none other than Chris Tarrant 

(See? I told you it would all start to make sense. Sort of. If you are not sure who Chris Tarrant is...this bit won't be quite as funny for you, but rest assured, it IS funny – _vigorously_ so…) 

**Chris Tarrant:** Pass? Pass? Who's the one asking the questions here, greybeard? Why don't you ask the audience? 

**Gandalf:** What? 

**Frodo:** Gandalf! You have to answer his questions! If you answer them all correctly, he will let you pass! 

**Gandalf:** But I don't WANT to pass him, you woolly-headed ninny! I'm trying to stop HIM from passing! A blazing white light radiates from Gandalf's staff, illuminating the entire bridge 

**Tarrant:** Whosoever would cross the bridge of Khazad-Dum will answer me these questions three... 

**Frodo:** Gandalf! If you answer his questions, he might go away! It's the only way! 

**Tarrant:** You had the fastest finger, or so I have been told...step right up and introduce yourself! 

The orcs break into spontaneous cheers and hoots. The fellowship, mystified, join in. Because they can, alright? Who's telling this story, you or me? Right. Good. Anyway. 

**Gandalf:** I am the servant of the Secret Fire, wielder of the flame of Anor, holder of an OAP bus pass and nominee for 'wizard most likely to turn his own foot into a newt' award this year... The dark fire will not avail you, Flame of Udun! I am Gandalf! Hear me gurgle! 

Tarrant snarls, and advances menacingly on the small figure holding the bridge 

**Tarrant:** flailing his microphone cord of fire Are you prepared to answer the questions? 

**Gandalf:** Uh... yes Chris. 

**Tarrant:** Let's play... here is your first question. Don't forget, you have three lifelines: ask the fellowship, 50 / 50 and run like monkeys. 

A tense humming sound can be heard, almost like music, only not quite Here we go. What... is your favourite colour? 

In the air above Gandalf head, shimmering brightly coloured answers can be seen... in a multiple choice style. The answers this time are A) Blue B) Grey C) Purple and D)Basketball. Gandalf looks over his head, ponders for a second, before confidently answering 

**Gandalf:** Grey! 

The orcs around the firey pit begin to applaud, politely 

**Tarrant: **Well done! Here comes the next one... what... is your name? 

Again, the letters form in the air above the demonic quizmasters head, this time bearing the words A) Gandalf B) Boromir C) Aragorn-son-of-Arathorn-son-of-Kevin-son-of-some-bloke-who-ran-a- damn-fine-restaurant-over-the-road-from-Dale, and D)Bob. 

**Gandalf:** Do we have to go through this? Really? I mean, in the long run, is it even going to be funny? And I told you my name earlier, anyway, so what are you playing at? I distinctly remember saying to you, 'I am Gandalf, hear me gurgle.' Which part of this don't you.... 

**Tarrant:** (interrupts him, yelling) Correct! Only one more question to go... 

More polite applause from the orcs, who then fall deathly silent. An orc on a ledge somewhere clears his throat, whilst another starts to play a low drum roll 

**Tarrant:** Now, Mr the Grey, I COULD give you this cheque for an entire face-full of Mithril body piercing and accessories (courtesy of Moria Inc.), but... we don't wanna do that! Do you wanna do that? You don't wanna do that? Excellent! Right, here it is... the final question. 

The tension in the cavern is non-existent 

**Tarrant:** What... is the hairiest part of a hobbits body? Do you know the answer, smarty-robes? DO ya? DO you wanna pass? Eh? 

**Gandalf:** I... SHALL NOT... PASS! 

**Tarrant:** Steady on, old boy, I'm just pulling your chain. Anyway, here are your options... 

**Gandalf:** (interrupting) RIGHT! I've about bloody had enough of this! 

Leaps up high into the air, and at the apex of his jump, level with the Tarrant's head, the camera begins to revolve around him, displaying the entire cavern and it's occupants, in true Matrix style. Suddenly the camera speeds up again as Gandalf's foot and staff lash out rapidly, catching Tarrant under the chin, spinning him over and sending him somersaulting backwards, breaking his fall on the bridge, which, already weakened by Tarrant's massive ego, crumbles and collapses, taking Tarrant with it down into the fire, bellowing the words 'Final answer' over and over again. Note distinct lack of decent punctuation in the above sentence, but I think I pulled it off. Anyway! Gandalf drops to the floor in a crouch, one fist placed on the floor and his head down. Slowly, he raises his head, grins, and says, to the tumultuous cheers of the fellowship... 

**Gandalf:** It's their feet. Everyone knows that... 

The orcs start to wander away, muttering, when suddenly a booming voice from below can be heard 

**Tarrant:** (voice becoming faint as he falls) I'm sorry, if you'd have said 'goolies', I wouldn't be doing this... 

At the last minute, the flaming whip lashes up from the depths of the abyss and wounds about Gandalf's ankle, dragging him over the edge. He clings onto the bridge but is straining to keep his grip. Frodo rushes forward but Boromir restrains him 

**Boromir:** No, Frodo! 

**Frodo:** Gandaaaaalf! 

**Gandalf:** Whaaaaaaaaaaaat? Ooooh bugger... (His hands scrabble for purchase on the crumbling stone) Fly you fools! And shut up before you start, Gimliiii... Gandalf loses his grip and falls into the chasm 

**Frodo:** Noooooooooooooooo!!! Boromir grabs hold of Frodo and starts to leave 

**Boromir:** Aragorn! 

**Frodo:** Noooooooooooo!!! 

**Aragorn:** Boromir! 

**Frodo:** Noooooooooooooo!!! 

**Boromir:** Phil Collins! 

**Frodo:** Noooooooo- what? EH? 

**Boromir:** Heh, just testin'.... 

**Frodo:** Noooooooooooooooooo!!!!! 

Aragorn stares at the bridge in disbelief. For a moment he does not move, but then orc arrows start whistling by once again, shooting at the companions. Dodging, he turns and follows the others up the stairs, thoughts of a jaffa cake at the forefront of his mind. Strange but true! 

The Fellowship comes streaming out of the East Gate of Moria. Everyone is distraught. Sam sits on the ground, bows his head onto his hands and begins to weep. Merry consoles Pippin, who lays crying. Boromir tries to restrain Gimli as the dwarf vents out his rage and sorrow. Legolas wears a look of shock and disbelief, even forgetting to mention Lembas as the camera zooms to his face 

Aragorn wipes his sword clean, re-sheathes it and turns to the others 

**Aragorn:** Legolas, get them up. 

**Legolas:** Hold on... that is because... they are... wait, wait, it's on the tip of my tongue... they are... havo dadding! Result! My mind works SO much better after a wafer of Lembas or two, sold in multipacks for added value! Yes! 

**Boromir:** Shut up, Legolas... give them a moment for pity's sake. 

**Aragorn:** By nightfall these hills will be swarming with orcs, pigeons and assorted ne'er'do-wells! Maybe even... (Suppresses a shudder) cats! 

**Gimli:** You really have issues Strider you know that? 

**Aragorn:** Yes! We must reach the Woods of Lothlórien. Come Boromir, Legolas, Gimli, get them up. 

**Aragorn:** He reaches down and lifts Sam up On your feet Sam. looks around Frodo? Frodo! Frodo, a few paces away, grieves alone. Weeping silently, he turns towards Aragorn. There is a haunted look in his eyes. He seems about to speak, but the grief of recent events seems to choke him. He blinks once, twice, to clear the tears, before finally managing to utter: 

**Frodo:** Noooooooooooooooooo!! 

**Fellowship:** Oh, do stop whining. Pansy


	21. Lothlembas err Lorien

**Gimli:** Stay close, young hobbits! A little closer... a leeeetle closer. That's the one. looks at Frodo Mmm, you smell very nice, master Baggins? They say there's a great sorceress lives in these woods, an elf-witch of terrible power. All who look upon her, fall under her spell... 

**Voice of Galadriel (whispering):** Frodo... Higgledy Piggeledy Frodo, startled, looks around 

**Gimli:** ... and are never seen again. If you hear the words Hocus pocus, flee! 

**Voice of Galadriel:** ...Your coming to us is as the footsteps of doom. You bring great evil here Ring bearer! Get that frickin dwarf away from you! He blocks your limelight you know...doesn't block out much other light though, on account of him being so short he needs stilts to scratch his head. Oh how I laugh! 

**Sam:** Mr. Frodo? 

**Gimli:** Well, here is one dwarf she won't ensnare so easily. I have the eyes of a hawk and the ears of a fox! And the goolies of a woolly mammoth! 

**Legolas:** pah! 

With arrows notched, Lórien elves suddenly appear from behind the trees, aiming at them. The Fellowship stops and look around, alarmed 

**Gimli:** Oh... 

**Haldir:** The dwarf breathes so loud we could have shot him in the dark. 

**Gimli:** In the dark ey? You wanna see me in the dark, Elf-boy! Hauls up his axe, then reacts at Haldir's inviting expression Oh? err? 

**Aragorn:** _Haldir o Lórien. Henion aníron, boe ammen i dulu lîn. Boe amen veriad lîn._ (Haldir of Lórien, we come here for help, and if you've got any nibbles we'd be grateful too.) 

**Gimli:** Aragorn, these woods are perilous! We should go back. Already I am pricked with thorns. 

**Haldir:** You have entered the realm of the Lady of the Wood. You cannot go back, take a look behind you! 

Gimli turns around, and sees beyond the clustered gathering of Lórien elves a great and strong Iron gate, with a weeny ickly yale padlock 

**Haldir:** Come, she is waiting. 

**Gimli:** Won't. Shan't. You can't make me. I ain't going in no woods, foo'! 

**Aragorn:** *sigh* We've been through all this before, short-arse. I don't like cats, but I'll still go in a building with them in. Confront your fears, dude. You CAN enter the forest. Come on. 

**Gimli:** I pity the foo' that tries to get me in there! I ain't goin' in no damn woods! 

**Aragorn:** *another heart-felt sigh* Ok... let's sit here and eat. Legolas, can you pass around the Lembas, and make sure you give some of the SPECIAL LEMBAS to Gimli. 

**Legolas:** Special Lembas? What do you mean? Looks at Aragorn, sees him nodding and making frantic eye-movements in Gimli's direction. Legolas' penny STILL hasn't dropped. Aragorn thev over-exaggerates a mime of Gimli eating the Lembas and falling asleep. Chink! There goes the penny Oh, THAT Lembas! Oh yes, of course, what was I thinking, the lovely nicest sweetest Lembas for the dwarf, yes, that's right, the one that's dead tasty, no trace of sleeping herbs in it WHATSOEVER. Ohoho. 

**Aragorn:** Ahaha. 

**Legolas:** Ohoho. Right. Here you are, Gimli, some LOVELY NON-DROWSY Lembas for you. Yummy yummy, eat up. I'll have some Lembas too, oooh yummy, FROM A DIFFERENT PACK ALTOGETHER, yum yum nice nice eat it eatiteatiteatit. Over the top wink at the rest of the party from the pointy eared one. 

The fellowship sits and eats their respective LembasTM wafers, finishing at roughly the same time. As Gimli crams the last into his mouth, Legolas leaps to his feet 

**Legolas:** A-ha! Hope you're comfy, Dwarf boy! Get ready for some shut eye! Sleep time! Rest those weary, and exceptionally bushy brows! I... he collapses to the floor in a snoring heap. 

**Gimli:** The divot. I KNEW you would do that, so I swapped the Lembas's's's's over when you weren't looking, so now I guess the jokes on YOU ahaha, I ain't goin' in no... He too falls to the ground in a snoring heap 

**Aragorn:** What the? What's going on here? 

**Boromir:** Oh, that's my doing. They were pissing me off, so I made sure that every parcel had some of the drugged lembas in, so that they would both fall asleep and be quiet! I'm right smart, me. 

**Aragorn:** So there were drugged wafers in ALL of the packs? You... slump 

**Boromir:** Oh, bollo... more slump 

**Haldir:** Looks down at the recumbent forms of the fellowship And THESE are supposed to be saving us all? Ai ai ai... Let's pick em up, fellers... 

The Fellowship arrive at Caras Galadhon. Eventually. They ascend a winding stairway amongst the trees, towards the grand court of Galadriel and Celeborn. Sam stops and begins to fondle a pine air freshener hanging from a bough of the tree, before being dragged on by Aragorn. With a glow issuing forth from them, the Lord and Lady of Lothlórien descend to meet the Fellowship, hand in hand. Aragorn touches his head reverently in greeting 

**Celeborn:** Eight that are here yet nine there were set out from Rivendell. Tell me where is Gandalf? For I much desire to speak with him. Galadriel looks at Aragorn, reading the answer in his eyes 

**Galadriel:** He has failed. He shall never reach the million-pound goal. 

**Galadriel:** The quest stands upon the edge of a knife. Stray but a little and it will fail to the ruin of all, and it's a mighty big fall down there I can tell you. Galadriel looks at Boromir who can't stand her gaze. He starts shaking and casts his eyes downwards, and bends almost double. He looks embarrassed of trouser. 

**Galadriel:** Yet hope remains while the company is true. Galadriel looks at Sam and smiles. Sam continues to gaze at her, silently answering her pleas for sexual favours 

**Galadriel:** Do not let your hearts be troubled. Go now and rest for you are weary with sorrow and much toil. Tonight you will sleep in peace. Whispers to Frodo in his mind Welcome Frodo of the Shire. One who has seen the Eye! 

**Frodo:** Eye? What? You've lost it, love. 

Later, back on the ground, an area has been provided for them to rest in. The hobbits are settling down to rest. In the trees, the elves singing can be heard 

**Elf Voice:** _A Olorin i yaresse_ (Olorin, who once was...) 

**Elf Voice:** _Mentaner i Numeherui..._ (Sent by the Lords of the West...) 

**Legolas (pensive):** A lament for Gandalf. 

**Merry:** What do they say about him? 

Legolas remains silent and listens 

Cut to elves dancing in the forest in an all-round musical performance. They continue to sing 

Who wants to be a millionaire? 

I don't 

Who wants to risk a death in there? 

I don't 

Who wants to live with Balrog on the gate? 

Balrog on the gate, is something I hate

Who wants to wallow in the flame? 

I don't 

Who wants to try and beat the shame? 

I don't 

Who wants to Kill Chris Tarrant or two? 

I do 

And I do 

But now I want the loo… 

The elves finish on an impossibly high note, with arms outstretched, grinning at the camera. The words "Sponsored by LembasTM" Flash on the screen. 

Aragorn walks over to Boromir, who is seated alone on a great tree root 

**Aragorn:** Take some rest. These borders are well protected. 

**Boromir:** I will find no rest here. I heard her voice inside my head. She asked me questions, and I got this kind of tingly feeling in my trousers, let me tell you. Bit of a hottie, what? 

**Aragorn:** Do you realise of whom you speak?! But yeah, you're right, I felt the same... although I think she was trying to freak me out a little, she KNOWS I can't stand cats but started going on about her pussy! Bloody weirdo. A hottie though, indeed! Pauses for thought What questions? 

**Boromir:** She asked me if I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous? 

Aragorn shakes his head with a smile. Boromir continues 

**Boromir:** She spoke of my father and the fall of Gondor. She said to me even now there is hope left. But I cannot see it. It is long since we had any hope. My father is a noble man, but his rule is failing. And now our... our people lose faith. They even started running through the cobbled streets with tambourines and shaved heads one time? Somebody said that Happy Clappers would rule the fate of us all. 

My father looks to me to make things right and I would do it. I would see the glory of Gondor restored. sigh Have you ever seen it Aragorn? White tower of Ecthelion, sprays Aragorn with spittle as he names the tower glimmering like a spike of pearl and silver. Its banners caught high in the morning breeze. Have you ever been called home by the clear ringing of silver trumpets? 

**Aragorn:** Errrr...no, old boy, can't say that I have. More often than not, t'was mother dear calling me home and reminding me to wipe my feet. No, no trumpets as far as I can remember. There was a cymbal once though, I seem to recall... Er. Anyway. I have seen the White City, long ago. 

**Boromir:** One day, our paths will lead us there. And the tower guards shall take up the call: The Lords of Gondor have returned! Hide all the kittens from Aragorn! 

**Aragorn:** Will there be nibbles? 

**Boromir:** What IS IT with you and nibbles? 

**Aragorn:** Don't fret my friend, 'tis a kingly thing… 

**Boromir:** I know what a kingly thing is and it sure as heck aint nibbles! 

**Aragorn:** Well, what is it then? 

**Boromir:** Easy he stands, and begins to dance insanely, occasionally knocking his knees in together, strumming an imaginary guitar and muttering uh-huh-huh in a low voice. 

**Aragorn:** [Perplexed] What the frig are you doing? 

**Boromir:** The King! Elvis! You see? 

**Aragorn:** If I hear one more mention of the word Elvis… SAM!!! 

**Sam:** [hiding in the bushes] *snicker* Promptly he runs as Aragorn chases him around… 


	22. The Mirror shows many television Shows

The Fellowship is asleep. Galadriel walks by. Frodo wakes up with a start and proceeds to follow her. Galadriel descends to her garden and fills the ewer with water. She turns towards Frodo 

**Frodo:** Bit late for a bath, isn't it? And how do you fit in there, anyway? It's barely big enough for me, you see. Do you wash a bit at a time, or... 

**Galadriel:** Shut up. Will you look into the mirror? 

**Frodo:** I bet my hair is a mess again, isn't it? Damn! Mind you, you did wake me up in the middle of the night, so I can't be blamed. Is there icky stuff on my face again? I'm quite proud of that actually, takes make-up AGES to get it right, adds a bit of gritty realism, Pete says. Anyway, I think... Frodo notices that the conversation is a little one-sided. He looks up, notices the look on Galadriel's face, stammers, flushes, stammers some more and finally realises that this is an important plot element and that he should sort himself out, double-time. Masterfully he regains his exposure and the next lines of the script What will I see? 

**Galadriel:** Even the wisest cannot tell. For the mirror shows many things. She begins to pour the water into the silver basin 

**Galadriel:** Things that were, things that are and some things... empties the ewerthat have not yet come to pass. Did I mention things that might be? I did? Right. Oh, and things. You know, things in general. I suppose, now that I say it to myself, it doesn't sound very helpful, but we have 10 minutes of film to use, so there you go. Sometimes you can see a shadow of a queen… talking about some kind of mirror on a wall… but that might be crossed lines. British Telecom has a lot to answer for. 

Frodo steps up to the mirror to take a look. He peers down and sees nothing but his reflection. The suddenly the mirror clears and shows a vision of Legolas, Merry and Pippin flirting insanely, then Sam, giving Frodo a meaningful look. He sees Bag End, then the burning of Hobbiton, the enslavement of the Hobbits and the destruction of the Shire. He sees the first four seconds of Eastenders but almost collapses from the sheer depressing nature of the program...then the Eye of Sauron fills the mirror. The Ring hanging from his neck pulls him closer to the water. Steam begins to curl up from the basin as Sauron speaks to Frodo in Black Speech. 

**Sauron:** Twiddly piggly, Fidgedy doo (_I was watching that, you little sod, when I rule EVERY household shall have a palantir and be forced to view the most depressing show of all time! Such shall their will be broken! Such shall I charge a Kings ransom for a licence to own a palantir! Evil! Evil! Ahaha! Anyway... er... I see you.... yet again. Your hair looks nice, very natural._) 

Terrified, he grabs the Ring and jerks back, throwing himself off the step and landing on his back on the forest floor 

**Galadriel:** I know what it is you saw, for it is also in my mind. speaks to Frodo telepathically It is what will come to pass if you should fail. Nobody wants to be Sauron's sex-slave, but I am afraid that for you, it will be so. The Fellowship is breaking. It has already begun. He will try to take the Ring. You know of whom I speak. One by one it will destroy them all. Bet you wish that Frodo's mum had a headache that night, didn't you? Aren't you glad you came? 

**Frodo (telepathically):** If you ask it of me, I will give you the One Ring. It clashes with my eyes and, to be utterly truthful, it's pissing me right off now. Opening his hand, he offers the Ring to her 

**Galadriel:** You offer it to me freely. I do not deny that my heart has greatly desired this, as the gold sovereign I wear now looks cheap and is very tacky looking. Plus, I have an interesting piercing in which it would look simply divine...not that everyone will see it, but I'LL know it's there...She lets out a lascivious giggle and approaches Frodo placing her hand over the Ring. Her image begins to change 

**Galadriel (grows tall and inhuman):** In place OF A DARK LORD, YOU WILL HAVE A QUEEN! NOT DARK BUT BEAUTIFUL AND TERRIBLE AS THE DAWN! WHICH IS TERRIBLE, MIND YOU! TREACHEROUS AS THE SEA, AND ALMOST AS MOIST! STRONGER THAN THE FOUNDATIONS OF THE EARTH! ALL SHALL LOVE ME AND DESPAIR! Well, at least I HOPE they all love me...I SHALL RULE THE CATWALKS! MY SENSE OF FASHION WILL SPREAD THROUGHOUT MIDDLE-EARTH! NONE SHALL ESCAPE MY BLACK BIN-BAG DRESSES AND PINK FLUFFLY SHOES! I WILL RULE! WHY IS THIS THE CHEAPEST SPECIAL EFFECT IN THE WHOLE MOVIE? NEVER MIND! FEAR ME! AND LUUUUURVE ME.... BUAHAHAHAHAAA! Galadriel's image returns to normal 

**Galadriel:** I pass the test! I will diminish, and go into the West, and remain Galadriel. If I had gone to the east, I would be called Bob. The West is an infinitely more pleasurable prospect... mmmm, pleasurable... she begins to drool 

**Frodo:** I cannot do this alone. 

**Galadriel:** You are a Ring bearer, Frodo. To bear a Ring of power is to be alone. This task was appointed to you and if you do not find a way, no one will. Plus, no-one else is enough of a mug to do it, really. 

**Frodo:** Then I know what I must do. It's just... I'm afraid to do it. 

Galadriel bends down to meet him at eye level 

**Galadriel:** Even the smallest person can change the course of the future. Look at Ronnie Corbett, and that bloke in the Austin Powers movies. 


	23. Aragorn and the peasants

**Narrator: **Hello – It's been a while hasn't it? Where are we then? Oh, well it would seem that the fellowship have now left Rivendell – the directors having skipped over the gift-giving scenes – and are now travelling along the Anduin, towards certain death… or at least some rather gruesome injury. 

_As Aragorn and Co. travel along the Anduin rounding up allies for the war on Sauron, he comes across some peasants sitting on the river-bank... We interrupt them mid-conversation..._  
  
**Aragorn:** [Gets out of boat] Who lives in that castle? 

_He points at a large stone edifice_

**Woman:** No one lives there. 

**Aragorn:** Then who is your lord? 

**Woman:** We don't have a lord. 

**Aragorn:** What? 

**Man:** We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week. 

**Aragorn:** Yes...

**Man:** But all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special biweekly meeting. 

**Aragorn:** Yes, I see. 

**Man:** By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,-- 

**Aragorn:** Be quiet! 

**Man:** --but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more-- 

**Aragorn:** Be quiet! I order you to be quiet! 

**Woman:** Order, eh -- who does he think he is? 

**Aragorn:** I am your king! 

**Woman:** Well, I didn't vote for you. 

**Aragorn:** You don't vote for kings. 

**Woman:** Well, 'ow did you become king then? 

**Aragorn:** One of my ancestors, [Legolas sings] after a few years and some warring, destroyed the evil Sauron, taking his ring after cutting off his finger with the shards of Narsil, the sword of my ancestor that he destroyed. [Singing swells] The ring was lost, but now it's been found, and the sword has been re-forged by the Elves who kept it safe, signifying by Divine Providence that I, Aragorn, was to carry Narsil to war to re-kill Sauron, who just won't die. [Singing stops] That is why I am your king! 

**Man:** Listen -- strange elves lying about distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. 

**Legolas:** Excuse me? 

**Man:** [Ignoring the tall elf-boy] Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical re-forging ceremony. 

**Aragorn:** Be quiet! 

**Man:** Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some prissy elf threw a sword at you! 

**Aragorn:** Shut up! 

**Man:** I mean, if I went around sayin' I was an emperor just because some moistened bink had lobbed a scimitar at me they'd put me away! 

**Aragorn:** Shut up! Will you shut up! 

**Man:** Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system. 

**Aragorn:** Shut up! [Kicks man in frustration]

**Man:** Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! --- HELP! HELP! I'm being repressed! 

**Aragorn:** Bloody peasant! 

**Man:** Oh, what a give away. Did you hear that, did you hear that, eh? That's what I'm on about -- did you see him repressing me, you saw it didn't you? 

Aragorn and Co. continue upon their quest, leaving the peasants to continue their political debate


	24. Boromir gets Misunderstood Again

Scene: Orthanc in Isengard. Saruman and Lurtz are standing in the central chamber 

**Saruman: **Do you know how the Orcs first came into being? 

**Lurtz:** Well erm… I've got a pop-up book that told me everything I needed to know… I'll get it for you now… 

**Saruman:** Quiet! Insolent fool! I meant their ancestors! 

**Lurtz:** Oh… Gotchya. Well? 

**Saruman:** I was GETTING to that! Right. Now where was I? Oh damn you and your interrupting! 

**Lurtz:** Sorry. Can't help it – I get insecure when I can't talk. 

**Saruman:** Shut up! Okay… [Picks up script] They were elves once, taken by the dark powers. Tortured and mutilated: a ruined and terrible form of life. Now...perfected: my fighting Uruk-Hai. Whom do you serve? 

**Lurtz:** Erm… I can't remember actually… Was it Sar… Sar.. something 

**Saruman:** I don't know why I bother… 

The Uruk-Hai wear their armour and are given their weapons. They receive a white handprint on their heads and faces, signifying Saruman's army. They then assemble before him 

**Saruman: **to the troops Hunt them down. Do not stop until they are found. You do not know pain. You do not know fear. You will taste man flesh! 

**Uruk-Hai #1:** How about some Kentucky-fried-Balrog instead? 

**Uruk-Hai #2:** Or a cheeseburger and fries from Burger almost-king-once-the-sword-is-reforged-and-Aragorn-comes-into-his-destiny-at-a-suitably-climatic- part-of-the-film? 

**Uruk-Hai #1: **Ooh goody! I'm going to have a milkshake too… 

**Uruk-Hai #2:**Isn't that MacDwalins? 

**Saruman: **to Lurtz, ignoring the troops One of the halflings carries something of great value. Bring them to me alive and unspoiled. Kill the others! Uruk-Hai troop leaves Isengard 

Scene: On the Silverlode. The Fellowship pulls out into the river in grey elven boats. Frodo pulls vial out of his pocket 

Flashback to Galadriel and Frodo 

**Galadriel: **Aha! You thought you'd gotten rid of me didn't you? Well I got sour news for ya Jack… erm… Frodo. Do you know how hard it is to do this part? Let me give you a taste – Are you willing to make the commitment to sit inside all day, making testing choices? Like… what wreath will I wear upon my gorgeous head this morning? 

How about… are you willing to make the commitment to wake up at the _crack of noon_, and try to figure out how much water's needed to re-fill the mirror? [Hears the Director] Script? Oh, of course… sorry… 

Farewell, Frodo Baggins. I give you the light of Earendil, our most beloved star. _Namarië._ She kisses Frodo on the head. Flashback ends 

**Galadriel:** May it be a light for you in dark places, when all other lights go out. In the time of electricity failure, it will support you, have no worry. Galadriel raises her hand in farewell as the Fellowship canoes down the river 

Scene: The Uruk-Hai march along through the forest as the three boats carrying the Fellowship float along the Anduin 

The Fellowship's boats pass through a canyon. Aragorn lifts his head, half-smiles and taps Frodo on the shoulder 

**Aragorn:** Frodo, the Argonath! Long have I desired to look upon the kings of old. My kin. 

**Legolas:** Oh here we go… the destiny speech again… 

Merry and Pippin snigger unattractively 

**Aragorn:** Long have I yearned to see the faces of those whose footsteps shall be my own, whose crowns I shall bear with pride, whose… 

**Legolas:** … farts will be renowned for all time as the smelliest in Middle Earth… 

**Aragorn:** Please! That's my great-great-great-great-great-great granddaddy you're talking about! 

**Legolas:** True though. 

**Aragorn:** Indeed… 

The Fellowship looks up in awe at the towering splendour of the Argonath. Two majestic statues, carved right out of the rock, proudly stand on each side of the Anduin. Their left arms are held aloft, their palms facing outwards in gesture of warning. A Crow is nesting in one of their nostrils, the twigs for the nest give the realistic impression of nostril hair, made yet more realistic when he decides to dump his digested berries down below… 

The Fellowship reaches Parth Galen and pull their boats onto the beach 

As they disembark on the gravel beach of Parth Galen, complete with Parasols ad bucket and spade ensembles, Boromir looks troubled and appears to be fighting a conflict within him. Frodo looks perturbed (That's 'troubled' for us NORMAL folk... The Fellowship starts to make camp 

**Aragorn:** Now, this is the bank of the Anduin, otherwise known as Parth Galen. Our commando unit will approach from The North Undeep, under cover of night, and make our way to the southeastern main bog. If questioned, we are sewage workers on our way to a conference. Legolas, our glorious leader and founder of the LembasTM Company, will be coordinating consultant at the bog's head, though he himself will not be taking part in any strenuous action, as he has a bad back. 

**Gimli: **Oh, yes? It's just a simple matter of finding our way through Emyn Muil? An impassable labyrinth of razor sharp rocks! And after that, it gets even better! Pippin looks up, alarmed Festering, stinking marshlands far as the eye can see! 

**Aragorn: **That is your road. 

**Gimli:** Our road? Aren't you coming with us? 

**Legolas:** Solidarity, brother. 

**Gimli:** Oh yes, Solidarity, elf. 

**Aragorn:** Once upon Emyn Muil, timing will be of the essence. There is an Orcish feast later in the evening, so we must move fast, and don't wear your best sandals. Turning left here, Points at map we enter the Targon memorial sewer and from there, proceed directly to Mordor. This has just been re-polished for the first time in Five hundred eons, so fellowship, careful with those feet. We will now be directly beneath Sauron's audience chamber itself. This is the moment for Gimli to get out his axe. I suggest you take some rest and recover your strength master dwarf. 

**Gimli: **Recover my...! Phrrrrr... What if I told you there were cats there? Eh? Eh? 

Aragorn stiffens, obviously affected by the dwarf's words 

**Legolas: **quietly to Aragorn We should leave now. 

**Aragorn:** No. Orcs patrol the eastern shore – they have pet cats. We must wait for cover of darkness. 

**Legolas:** It is not the eastern shore that worries me. A shadow and a threat has been growing in my mind. Something draws near...I can feel it! 

Pippin jumps out of the bush behind Legolas and pounces on him, tugging at his hair 

**Legolas:** AARGH!!! Gittim off me!!! 

Legolas starts running about with Pippin on his back, whilst Aragorn stares at the distance and tries to look thoughtful. Gimli and the others have hardly noticed Legolas 

**Gimli:** No dwarf need recover strength! To Merry Pay no heed to that, young hobbit. Sam, returning with some wood for the campfire, looks around 

**Sam: **Where's Frodo? Pippin, who was rather enjoying his piggy-back ride, looks up with a start. Aragorn looks over the camp. His gaze stops on Boromir's shield, lying with the baggage 

Frodo wanders into the forest. He stands by an immense stone head, lying with its side on the ground. Boromir, gathering wood, sees Frodo and approaches him 

**Boromir:** None of us should wander alone, you least of all. So much depends on you. Frodo? I know why you seek solitude, and you'll end up going blind and having palms as hairy as your feet. You suffer; I see it day by day. We all do - the distinct lack of females in this group is starting to take its toll...although Sam seems happy enough. Dunno why. You sure you do not suffer needlessly? There are other ways, Frodo; other paths that web might take. 

**Frodo:** I know what you would say. And it would seem like wisdom but for the warning in my heart, and the fact that I don't swing that particular way. 

**Boromir:** Warning? Against what? We're all afraid, Frodo. But to let that fear drive us to destroy what hope we have. Don't you see that is madness? Set yourself free, step out of that closet and... 

**Frodo:** There is no other way! 

**Boromir:** I ask only for the strength to defend my people!throws the gathered wood to the groundIf you would but lend me your Ring... 

**Frodo:** I'll pretend I didn't hear that...oh, THAT ring. Errrr... No. 

Steps back 

**Boromir:** Why do you recoil? I am no thief. 

**Frodo:** You are not yourself. You're wearing make-up too, don't think no-one had noticed... 

**Boromir:** What chance do you think you have? They will find you! They will take the Ring and you will beg for death before the end! You hear tales, you know! Frodo begins to run from Boromir Come back, pretty Hobbit! 

**Boromir:** Fool! You know you want it! Boromir gives chase 

**Boromir:** It is not yours save by unhappy chance. It could have been mine! tackles FrodoIt should be mine! Give it to me! Baby! struggle ensues 

**Boromir:** Give it to me! 

**Frodo:** No! I'm not your type! I look 'orrible in a dress! Not that I've ever worn one! Often! I don't shave my legs or anything! 

**Boromir:** Give me... Give me the Ring! 

**Frodo:** Nurgh...ugh! Frodo slips the Ring on and disappears. He kicks Boromir and runs away 

**Boromir:** looks around desperately I see your mind. You will take the Ring to Sauron! You will betray us! You go to your death and the death of us all! Curse you! Curse you! And all the halflings! Curse you again for your mixed signals! I know you run to join a troupe of travelling people of negotiable affection, who go by the name of 'Proudfootses, queen of the marshlands'! 

**Editors note:** It has come to my attention that there have been far too many exclamation marks used in the last few minutes. This is blatant over-use of punctuation, and the punctuation in question is crying out for extra pay. If the unions get involved, we're finished...now stop it. All of you. 

Boromir slips and falls to the ground. The madness of the Ring leaves him and he comes to his senses 

**Boromir:** Frodo!?... Frodo!?... What have I done!? Please...Frodo?! 

**Editor's note: **Alright, now that's enough – now not only the exclamations are complaining, but the ellipses are going ape, and the question marks are, as I speak, pounding on my door. Enough already! Right. Back to the plot… 

**Boromir:** What plot? Oh! 

**Boromir:** You're right Frodo! You're not my type! I won't tell anyone, no matter what... it'll be our secret! 

Frodo runs up the steps to the seat of Amon Hen 

**Boromir (in the background): **Frodo, I'm sorry! Oh no! The exclamation points are coming!!!! 

**Narrator:** Frodo, in the "shadow world," climbs up onto the Seat of Seeing atop Amon Hen. He looks over the stone seat and sees the Dark Tower from afar. A most imposing image. Very dark… 

The image rushes towards him and his vision rises to its pinnacle—where the burning Eye of Sauron stares back menacingly. 

See how I'm using that vocabulary book? Eh? I'm dead good, me. Oops, err, anyway… Frodo, rushing to remove the Ring, falls off the Seat of Seeing and lands on his back. Thinking he's gonna get caught by a lustful Gondorian again, he sits up, trying to catch his breath. Instead of a Gondorian, a Dúnedain answers his pheromones. 

Aragorn approaches 

**Aragorn: **Frodo? 

**Frodo (startled):** Huh?! It has taken Boromir. 

**Aragorn:** What has? 

**Frodo: (Standing up, flailing arms and making an altogether twit of himself)** Madness! It's madness I tell you, for the love of Eru Boromir! 

**Aragorn:** Hey! I'm Aragorn! Strider? Elessar? 

**Frodo:** Enough! Leave me be! I will not answer to any of your calls of lust! 

**Aragorn (intensely, and altogether ticked off): **Where is the Ring? 

**Frodo:** Stay away! he scrambles up and retreats from Aragorn. Aragorn comes after him 

**Aragorn: **Frodo! Frodo stops 

**Aragorn: **I swore to protect you! 

**Frodo:** Can you protect me from yourself?! Shows the Ring on his palm, meaning it as a symbol of his true fear. Aragorn misunderstands, and, looking at the Ring, slowly approaches Frodo with a puzzled expression. 

**Ring (whispering): **Aragorn... Aragorn... Elessar... He reaches out. 

**Frodo: (Pulling back sharply)** Gerrof me you pansy! Where's Sam when I need him – he'll kill you if he finds out you know!! 

With both hands, Aragorn reaches out and closes Frodo's hand over the Ring and pushes it to the hobbit's chest 

**Aragorn: **I would have gone with you to the end, into the very fires of Mordor. 

**Frodo: **I know. You're a saucy little bugger. Fires of Mordor indeed. Right – I'm off! 

Aragorn nods slowly but then sees Sting's blue glow. He stands suddenly and draws out his sword. Frodo looks startled, then looks at Sting, who is by the way still mystified at his newly gained talent for glowing – and we thought he was just a musician… 

**Aragorn:** Go on Frodo. Run. Run! 

Frodo leaves. Rather thankfully, I might add


	25. Good Sir Lurtz

Sam searches frantically for Frodo in the woods 

**Sam:** Mr. Frodo!!! He hears the clash of sword on sword. His eyes widen 

**Lurtz: **to his troops Find the Halfling! Find the Halfling! A free 'White hand speciality makeover' to the one who finds the halflings! 

**Uruk-Hai:** One hand on hip Ooh, ducky, white hand is SO last year... 

**Lurtz:** Death to you! 

**Uruk-Hai:** Ooh he's talking death now is he? flops hand Well I never! 

**Aragorn:** jumps onto the Uruk-Hai Elendil!!!!! 

**Uruk-Hai:** Steady on darling – we've got all night you know! 

Legolas and Gimli run forward from behind the Seat. Legolas shoots three Uruk-Hai with quick bow-work; Gimli lands blow after blow with his axe 

**Legolas:** Aragorn! Go! 

**Uruk-Hai:** No! Stay! His pansy-like whimperings are quickly put to an end by an arrow in the eye 

Frodo runs and hides behind a tree. No surprises there, then. Across the way, Merry and Pippin hide in a space under some fallen tree trunks. They've done this before, you can tell. 

**Merry:** Frodo! 

**Pippin (beckoning):** Hide here quick! Come on! Our tree is far superior to yours! See the leaves! Frodo looks at them, anguished, then shakes his head, because he is scared of EVERYTHING, including grass. Oh and cats 

**Aragorn (Off-shot):** Did somebody say cats? 

**Pippin (to Merry):** What's he doin'? 

**Merry:** He's leavin'. 

**Pippin:** No! He ALWAYS does this when we win the 'Hidey-in-the-best-tree' competition! Come back, yer a sore loser and I'm gonna stick my wooly foot right up your...runs out to Frodo 

**Merry:** Pippin! comes after him. They are out in the open. Several Uruk-Hai are coming down the hill, towards their area. 

**Merry (quietly):** Bugger. 

**Merry (calling to Uruk-hai):** Hey! Hey you! Over here! I won the hidey-in-the-best-tree game! Me! Look at me! 

**Pippin:** Hey! 

**Merry:** Over here! 

**Pippin (waving his arms):** This way! 

Both hobbits run away from Frodo. The Uruk-Hai troop follows them. Frodo makes a break for it, running in the opposite direction, like the snivelling coward he is. Pansy. Short-legged dirty little short-arse. 

***** Grinding and slowing down of the film reel *** **

**Narrator:** It would appear that one of the Uruk-Hai has lopped the head off our descriptive narrator. Rest assured that we have now lopped his head off, and replaced him with a far more neutral narrator. On with the show. 

***** Ungrinding and unslowing of the film reel *** **

**Pippin:** It's working! 

**Merry:** I know it's working! Run! 

Merry and Pippin, the curly-headed ninnies, run across an old stone bridge. At its far end, they stop and see Uruk-hai running towards them. The Uruks are closing in, both in front and behind. An Uruk runs up to them, raising his battleaxe. But Boromir comes charging in, knocks the Uruk back, and kills him with his own axe. He throws a knife at another. More close in 

Back at the Seat of Seeing, Legolas, Aragorn, and Gimli continue to fight the Uruk-Hai. In one smooth move, Legolas stabs one Uruk with an arrow then shoots it out at another. Gimli wields his axe. Which is all he ever seems to do, reading this. He deserves a little more, I feel - his axe technique, while not as technical as the swordplay or bow skills of the other two, still gets the job done. Swoosh! goes the mighty axe of our Dwarven hero! He's CARRYING this bloody film, by Kotkht'dak'lak's beard! 

***** Grinding and slowing of film *** **

**Narrator:** It would appear that the replacement creative narrator was, in fact, a Dwarf. While we have nothing against Dwarves, lovely fellows, salt of the earth and very CLOSE to the earth, it was becoming a little (no offence) too one sided. We attempted to lop the head of the Dwarf, but he was too short, so we offered him a bottle of Dwarven spirits and all the stone he could whittle and he was happy. I'm taking over narratoratoring now, so it should all run as well as a Hobbit after candy-floss. And I KNOW we've used this joke before, but we like it, and will no doubt use it again for the second film. That is all. 

***** Ungrinding and unslowing of film reel *** **

Aragorn stabs one behind his back. Legolas shoots an Uruk who has closed in on Aragorn 

Three loud ox-horn blasts are heard 

**Lurtz:** Wasn't me... 

**Legolas:** The Horn of Gondor! 

**Aragorn:** Boromir! 

They run down Amon Hen towards the sound, but Uruks are between them and Boromir. A visual sweep (which is a very clever and expensive bit of camera-work, I'll have you know) shows some running towards Boromir, down the stone steps; the others attack Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli as they struggle to follow 

Boromir sounds the horn of Gondor again 

**Boromir:** to the hobbits Run! Run! 

The Uruks attack Boromir. He kills two more. Lurtz walks into view, lifts his bow, aims a big black arrow, and shoots it into Boromir's left shoulder. 

[_Note on the Score_. After Boromir is hit by an arrow, a chorus begins singing the following lines translated into elvish: "I do not love the bright sword for its sharpness or the arrow for its swiftness, nor the warrior for his glory. I love only that which they defend, there ain't no party like an S-club party."] 

_The hobbits look at him in shock, but not half as shocked as our Boromir. Boromir drops to his knees, begins to breathe hard, and looks at the hobbits. Uruks come closer, but he gives a battle cry ('Shithouse!', incidentally), rises, and swings his sword at one, who falls. (He did actually HIT that last one by the way, cos if you could beat them just by waving your sword at them it wouldn't be half the fight scene that it is.) _

_Lurtz growls, lifts his bow, and shoots again. A black arrow flies into Boromir's stomach. He drops to his knees again, gasping. But he swings his sword at another Uruk and gets back up. (He hit that one, too! Plucky fellow.) Lurtz shoots him one more time, in the chest. Boromir falls on his knees and stays there, swaying a little and blinking_

_Merry and Pippin look at him, aghast. With all the courage they could muster, they take up their swords and attack the Uruk-Hai. The phrase 'pissing into the wind' springs to mind._

**Merry and Pippin:** Shire!! 

They never have the chance to strike. The Uruk-Hai lifted them up and carried them off. Merry and Pippin wave their arms frantically. The Uruk-Hai troop walks away from Boromir. Boromir looks on helplessly 

Lurtz, now left alone, stops ten feet from Boromir and takes aim with his bow. Boromir swallows and stares back at him. Just then Aragorn crashes into Lurtz, whose arrow flies off harmlessly...or so we are lead to believe. The fact that Mr Squirrel limped for the rest of his life is but a tragic footnote in history. 

Lurtz now stands between Aragorn and Boromir. Aragorn attempts to rush to the aid of his fallen colleague, but Lurtz intercedes and deliberately blocks his path. 

**Aragorn:** I am Aragorn, King of this Realm, or at least will be soon. 

[pause] 

**Lurtz:** Raarghsnarlgrumble. 

[pause] 

**Aragorn:** I have no quarrel with you; oh tall dark and ugly, but I SHALL reach my wounded chum! Be a sport! Aragorn again attempts to reach Boromir, but Lurtz rattles his sword menacingly and again places himself in the way. 

**Lurtz:** None shall pass. 

**Aragorn:** What? 

**Lurtz:** None shall pass. Rar, rarrr, etc. 

**Aragorn:** I do have a quarrel with you, thinking about it, but I just want to get to the laddies over there...you know the one? Riddled with arrows? Now, if it's all the same to you, and might I add I am NOT scared of you, no sir, I'm just going over there with my elastoplast to see what I can do. On my way, see me go, off I go....er...Look, I'm just going to go over there! See? I'm going. Over. There. 

**Lurtz:** Then you shall die. 

**Aragorn:** I command you, as soon-to-be King - stand aside! 

**Lurtz:** I move for no man. 

**Aragorn:** Technically, I'm not *just* a man, Numénorean and all that, but I'm sure you understand. Draws his sword So be it! 

**Aragorn and Lurtz:** Aaah!, hiyaah!, etc. 

[Aragorn chops the Lurtz's left arm off] 

**Aragorn:** Now stand aside, worthy adversary. 

**Lurtz:** 'Tis but a scratch. 

**Aragorn:** A scratch? Your arm's off! 

**Lurtz:** No, it isn't. 

**Aragorn:** Well, what's that, then? 

**Lurtz:** (Looking sheepish - or as sheepish as a 7 foot tall traumatically ugly humanoid can without a fleecy coat can look) I've had worse. 

**Aragorn:** You liar! 

**Lurtz:** Come on, you pansy! 

[clang] 

Huyah! 

[clang] 

Hiyaah! 

[clang] 

Aaaaaaaah! 

Aragorn chops the Lurtz's right arm off, leaving him pretty 'armless? Geddit? Geddit? I'll just… get my coat... 

**Aragorn:** Victory is mine! kneeling We thank Thee Lord, hang on, we don't really go into any theology in this movie, I guess that the nearest we get to divinity is me, coo, I never thought of that before, anyway that in MY mer-- 

**Lurtz:** Hah! 

[Kicks the kneeling bloke in the side] 

Come on, then. 

**Aragorn:** What? 

**Lurtz:** Have at you! 

[kick] 

**Aragorn:** Eh. You are indeed brave, handsome, but the fight is mine. 

**Lurtz:** Oh, had enough, eh? 

**Aragorn:** Look, you stupid bastard. You've got no arms left. 

**Lurtz:** Yes, I have. 

**Aragorn:** Look! 

**Lurtz:** Just a flesh wound. 

[kick] 

**Aragorn:** Look, stop that. 

**Lurtz:** Chicken! 

[kick] 

Chickennn! 

**Aragorn:** Look, I'll have your leg. 

[kick] 

Right! 

[whop] 

[Aragorn chops the Lurtz's right leg off] 

**Lurtz:** Right. I'll do you for that! 

**Aragorn:** You'll what? 

**Lurtz:** Come here! 

**Aragorn:** What are you going to do, bleed on me? 

**Lurtz:** I'm invincible! 

**Aragorn:** You're a looney. 

**Lurtz:** (hopping around on one leg) The Uruk-Hai always triumph! So far! Have at you! Come on, then. 

[whop] 

[Aragorn chops Lurtz's last leg off] 

**Lurtz:** Oh? All right, we'll call it a draw. 

**Aragorn:** Come, Patsy. 

**Everyone else:** Eh? 

**Aragorn:** Sorry, got carried away with it for a minute then... 

**Lurtz:** Oh. Oh, I see. Running away, eh? You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you. I'll bite your legs off! 

Aragorn pauses a moment, panting. He then races to Boromir. Boromir, pale and bloodied, is now lying on his back, his head close to a tree 

**Mystery voice:** Er, excuse me, Aragorn old boy, but this isn't how it's meant to be... 

**Aragorn:** Whut? 

**Mystery voice:** Well...it IS kind of my film, and that chappie over there is still on this mortal coil. That's not how the script goes, you see. You're supposed to be lopping his head off now, and yes, I know there has already been a lot of head-lopping-off in this film but it IS supposed to be a climatic ending fight-scene thing, and plus if he's alive we have to keep paying him. Besides which, it's great when the audience leaps up and cheers like they do… 

**Lurtz:** Mystery voice has a point, you know. Time and a half at least, guv'nor. And, to be fair, there isn't much I will be able to do, being all limbless and the like. You'd be doing me a favour, and saving us all a bit of hard cash. I'll buy you a mug of ale afterwards? 

**Aragorn:** But...but...he's beaten, I can hear the fat lady singing for him as we speak. 

Cue Sam, who pops out from behind a tree 

**Sam:** I was WHISTLING, not singing! Oh yeah, and I'm not a lady, it was just a one-off when it may have APPEARED to the casual observer that I was wearing tights, but I wasn't...er… 

He then disappears behind the tree again 

**Aragorn**: …and I don't want to get any more of his smelly blood on me. Get someone else to do it! 

**Mystery voice:** Look, pally, I pay YOUR wages, too. I bet you used to pull the wings off flies when you were younger, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU? As it stands, we did a good job of ripping off another film, but I think the jokes over now, it isn't funny any more - a lot like a lot of this, really! Just do what you've been told to do, and remember - He didn't ASK to be what he is; he didn't CHOOSE to be evil - same as you didn't choose to be King. As with the ring-bearer, sometimes our destinies are forced upon us, and what choice do we have but to follow? Aside from the fact it was his part in the film to do this, too. And you leave him there, a pitiful wreck of a being, unable to even wipe his own backside or eat a pomegranate. And, in your favour, it would be showing that the future King is a merciful future King, that though your judgement may not always seem to be the fairest, it is merciful. Now PLEASE, can you... 

**Boromir:** Ahem, dying man over here - and anyway, he died halfway through your speech from shock, blood loss and more likely boredom. Attend me now, there's a good chap. (Cough wheeze) 

**Aragorn:** Ooh! Runs up and kneels near Boromir 

**Boromir:** They took the little ones. 

**Aragorn:** Be still. 

**Boromir:** Frodo, where is Frodo? 

**Aragorn:** I let Frodo go. 

**Boromir:** Then you did what I could not. I tried to take the Ring from him. 

**Aragorn:** The Ring is beyond our reach now. 

**Boromir:** Forgive me, I did not see it. I have failed you all. 

**Aragorn:** No, Boromir, you fought bravely! You have kept your honour. 

Reaches out to pull the arrows from Boromir 

**Boromir:** Leave it! It is over. The world of men will fall, and all will come to darkness... and my city to ruin. 

**Legolas:** Look! Look! That mushroom looks like Gandalf's nose! Look, everyone! Look at me! No-one has mentioned me for a while! Oh er I forgot… Lembas!!!! 

**Aragorn:** I do not know what strength is in my blood, but I swear to you I will not let the white city fall, nor our people fail! 

**Boromir:** Our people? Our people. He reaches for his sword. Aragorn places the hilt in his hand, and Boromir clasps it to his chest 

**Boromir:** I would have followed you my brother, my captain, my king! Boromir closes his eyes. Aragorn touches his hand to his forehead, then to his lips in respect 

**Legolas:** Me! Me! Listen to ME! I'm the pretty boy, everyone loves me, and I haven't been spoken of, or to, for aaaaaaaaaaaages! Meeeeeeeee! 

**Aragorn:** Dammit, Legolas...this is supposed to be a touching scene, the breaking of the fellowship, where the brave and noble warrior-prince Boromir passes away! It is supposed to be a sombre moment where we all reflect on our own mortality, and how easily we can pass onto wherever it is we go...a little dignity please. Let me have a minute alone with the dead... 

**Aragorn:** Be at peace, son of Gondor. Bends and kisses Boromir on the brow 

**Boromir:** *coughing and speaking very softly* Actually...I think.... I'm only mortally...wound...wounded. I have a little...time left... 

**Aragorn:** Rest yourself my friend. Go now beyond this cruel place, be at peace among the stars... 

**Boromir:** Actually, I don't think it's mortal. Hurts a lot, but I think I might pull through. I don't feel that bad at all, now I come to mention it. I think I could carry on, if you give me 10 minutes and a cup of sweet tea... 

**Lurtz:** You know...I don't feel quite so bad, either. If you could sort of build me a litter, carry me on your back or something...I wouldn't be a burden and could dispense words of wisdom, and tell you if anyone is sneaking up on you! Yeah! We could stick my arms and legs back on, you know - no-ones ever tried, it MIGHT work his dialogue is cut off, as is his head, rather abruptly. Everyone looks a little shocked, save Aragorn, a look of frothy-mouthed fury on his face, as he sheaths Elendil 

**Boromir:** Oh come on now Aragorn, there was no need for that - a little harsh, don't you think? I mean the poor guy was in a bad way as it was we could have just left him here...and about what I said earlier. I know you're the future King and all that, and this near-death experience has given me an insight into it. You ARE just a bit of a wanderer, no fixed address and all that, I'm sure you'd be a fabulous King but I could look after the throne for you, see? Leave you free to do your own thing, sort of thing? I AM a Prince, you know, ish, so I don't want to have to pull rank here...Oooh, I do feel sprightly now, in fact, I think I'll come along with yo... 

**Aragorn:** YAAAAAAAAAARGH!!! (Stabs Bormoir in the chest with his sword) RIGHT! LISTEN UP! This was supposed to be a big scene for me, show I wasn't just a scowly faced ranger type, and all you bastards have spoiled it! 

**Gimli:** I didn't... 

**Aragorn:** Shut UP, short-arse! As I was saying before I was interrupted, I was really getting into that then, and the next one of you overpaid non-Kingly types that so much as BREATHES while I'm talking gets the same treatment, right? Now get making him look pretty, stick him on a raft and chuck him in the lake. Capiche? GOT IT? 

**Mystery voice:** Bang goes MY Oscar... 


	26. The Essential Final Scene

Scene shows Sam running through the woods 

**Sam:** Frodo! 

Frodo stands upon Parth Galen, staring into the distance, with the Ring on his palm. Weeping silently, he recalls his conversation with Gandalf 

Flashback – images are blurred and voices echo in the air 

**Frodo: **I wish the Ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened. 

**Gandalf:** So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to you. Why is my voice echoing like this anyway eh? And what the frig has happened to my hair! Look at it! I haven't had a hair day like this since the dreaded split-endedness of the second age! Get me out of this thing already! 

Flashback ends. Frodo looks determined. He closes his hand over the Ring, and puts it into his vest pocket. He pushes the boat into the river and jumps in. Just then, Sam emerges from the woods. He sees Frodo paddling away and runs after him 

**Sam: **Frodo no! Frodo! Mr. Frodo! 

**Frodo (to himself): ** No Sam. continues to paddle away 

Sam runs into the river after Frodo. Frodo, hearing the splashes, looks back 

**Frodo: **Go back Sam! I'm going to Mordor alone. 

**Sam: **Of course you are, and I'm coming with you! 

**Frodo: **Well that makes a bunch of sense now doesn't it? Sam, the main point of going alone is… oh never mind… You can't swim! Sam! 

Sam struggles to swim then sinks into the water 

**Frodo:** Sam!!! 

Sam sinks deeper and deeper. He sees the sun shimmering up on the surface. His arm floats limply as he descends into the water. Suddenly Frodo's hand reaches down and grabs Sam's wrist. . Sam tightens his hand around Frodo's. Frodo pulls him out of the water and up into the boat and Sam tumbles in 

**Sam (dripping and crying): **I made a promise, Mr. Frodo. A promise! "Don't you leave him Samwise Gamgee." And I don't mean to! I don't mean to. 

**Frodo:** Oh Sam! hug 

**Audience:** Aaaaw! 

**Ring:** Oh jeez what next? They'll be having their own hotel room soon! 

**Frodo:** Come on. Frodo and Sam paddle towards the eastern shore 

Scene: Boromir is laid to rest in one of the boats. His sword rests with him, his shield is above his head and his cloven horn at his side. The boat slips over the falls of Rauros and then drops into the mists below. Gimli watches the boat disappear. Aragorn straps on Boromir's vambraces in his honour 

**Legolas (pushing last boat into lake):** Hurry! Frodo and Sam have reached the eastern shore. Aragorn stand still and says nothing 

**Legolas: **You mean not to follow them? 

**Aragorn: **Frodo's fate is no longer in our hands. Nor is it in his hands – the whole fate thing is beyond me you know – I never know what people are talking about when…. EEK! CATS!!! 

**Gimli: **Oh do shut up you pansy. It has all been in vain! The Fellowship has failed. 

**Aragorn: **puts his hands on their shoulders Not if we hold true to each other. We will not abandon Merry and Pippin to torment and death. Not while we have strength left, and certainly not while there are feline creatures roaming through these woods. Leave all that can be spared behind. We travel light. Let's hunt some orc, and get the hell away from these dratted cats! Legolas and Gimli look at each other, grinning 

**Gimli:** Yes!!! Haha! Fear my cruddy exclamations! Aragorn runs into the woods, followed by Gimli and Legolas 

Scene: Frodo and Sam stand upon Emyn Muil, seeing the Dead Marshes and Mordor in the distance ahead 

**Frodo: **Mordor. I hope the others find a safer route. 

**Sam:** A safer route to Mordor... Hmmm… now I wonder how they'll manage that? Perhaps they'll fly by Virgin airlines – but you know airplanes aren't too safe nowadays either. Ooh! I know I know! They could take the train! Ah but the delays… 

**Frodo: **Oh do shut up Sam! Can't you see I'm being reflective? 

**Sam:** Strider will look after them Mister Frodo. 

**Frodo:** I don't suppose we'll ever see them again. 

**Sam: **We may yet, Mr. Frodo. We may. And I fear the day – I'm not really looking forward to Strider finding that cat in his backpack! Understand mister Frodo I had to do something to liven the bloke up – he's such a bore at the best of times… 

**Frodo: **turns, smiling Sam, I'm glad you're with me. 

**Sam:** [With a wink] How about we go find a nice, cosy, hidden corner somewhere until the next film starts? 

**Narrator:** And so while Frodo and Sam continued their journey, Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli set out on their search to find the Orcs who captured their friends Merry and Pippin in Scene 24. In the forest they met Gandalf, and there was much rejoicing. 

**All:** Yay! Yay! 

**Narrator:** In the barren lands of Rohan, they were forced to eat Legolas' following of Lembas advertisers. And there was much rejoicing. 

**All:** Yay! 

**Narrator:** Time passed. Winter changed into Spring. Spring changed into Summer. Summer changed back into Winter. And Winter gave Spring and Summer a miss and went straight on into Autumn. Until one day... 

**1st voice-over:** Well, that's the end of our entertainment tonight. It's five past nine here on the BBC and it's almost time for six past nine. On BBC 2 now it'll shortly be six and a half minutes past nine. Later on this evening it'll be ten o'clock and at 10.30 we'll be joining BBC 2 in time for 10.33, and don't forget tomorrow when it'll be 9.20. Those of you who missed 8.45 on Friday will be able to see it again this Friday at a quarter to nine. Now here is a time check. It's now six and a half minutes to the big green title thing. 

**2nd voice-over:** You're a loony! 

**1st voice-over:** I get so bored. I get so bloody bored 

TO BE CONTINUED… 


	27. Credits

**Based on **"_The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring_" By JRR Tolkien. Our love and devotion for his works are what inspired us to send them up - please take no offence at this dismal attempt at parodying his masterpiece. If you do - well, we'll just have to find a good torture for you - comfy chairs could be involved…  
  
All, well the majority of, Characters are owned by JRR Tolkien, the original script is the product of much hard work by Peter Jackson, Fran Walsh and Phillipa Boyens.  
  
Gilraen and the Reverend would dearly like to thank Jatamanzi for her short-lived yet invaluable help. Sadly she was with us no longer than scene seven.  
  
**Conceived by:** Gilraen, with the aid of two black Wargs from Isengard. All of you, who wish to receive a pirate copy of the conception, please send a stamped self-addressed envelope to;  
  
**Gotchya Enterprises,**  
Dunland on the wold  
PO Box: 555  
  
**Written by: ** Gilraen, The Reverend and Jatamanzi. Thanks go to the trained monkeys who held the fort in their absence. Amazing how quickly those little critters type…  
  
**Direction: ** North, bearing northwest at the designated signposts.  
  
**Production:** Not worth knowing  
  
**Special effects: **'W.H.A.T. T.H.E…?' Workshop.  
  
**Mithril supplied by: ** Moria Inc.  
  
**EAT Lembas!**  
  
**With thanks to: ** JRR Tolkien, Monty Python, Blackadder, Elvis Presley, Chris Tarrant (Damn him), Terry Pratchett, David Bowie, Disney (For the variation on Tigger's song), The Matrix, Who wants to be a Millionaire, the entire cast of "CATS", The tale of "Snow White", Virgin airlines, the BBC, The A-team, Austin Powers, Ronnie Corbett, Tenacious D, Cassandra's Very Secret Diaries, S Club 7, The FAST Show, Burger King, MacDonalds, and KFC, none of whom did we have permission from to use their names, aliases, or ideas.  
  
**Special thanks go speedily to:**  
  
**The Stupid Ring Parody website** for their initial inspiration, and for the use of their annotated script. We strongly advise you to visit their site.  
  
**The members of Bag End and Fanfiction.net ** for their support, and anyone else who we've forgotten to mention.  
  
All Exclamation point and Question mark unions for their eventual support and forgiveness.  
  
**Lembas IS GOOD!  
**  
_No Bunny Rabbits, Black Knights, Balrogs, or Hedgeclippers were harmed in the making of this film. A few weasels did get in the way of the lawnmower down the road though…  
_  
  
  
  
  
_If you are affected by Aragorn's tear-ridden story of his fear of cats, please be sure to call:  
_  
**555-I-HATE-CATS  
B.O.L.L.O.C.K.S  
**(_Board of louts, loving only cat-killing shooters_)  
For information and support.  
  
  
**And now, a word from our sponsor.  
**  
_Lembas Lembas Lembas  
They made you out of dough  
Lembas Lembas Lembas,  
For you I'd steal the show!  
_


	28. Outtakes

(Some kindly submitted by members of the Bag End discussion group) 

**Frodo:** The ring! Where's the ring I can't find it? 

**Gandalf:** Well you know my dear hobbit, whenever you find something; it is always in the last place you looked. 

As Frodo gives Gandalf a worried look, Merry walks in coughing. 

**Merry:** Uh, guys?? I think I swallowed it… 

--Gilraen--

----- 

**Saruman:** Whom do you serve oh goo-covered one? 

**Lurtz:** SOOOOOCCKKKK MOOOONNNKKKKKEEEEYYYYYY 

Lurtz collapses in a fit of giggles 

--The Reverend-- 

----- 

Legolas, Gimli and Aragorn bid farewell to Boromir, and begin to sing 

**Aragorn:** Yesterday, all those orcs they seemed so far away, 

Now they've taken Hobbits out to play 

Oh our friend left, just yesterday

**Legolas:** Suddenly, there's a shadow hanging over me, 

Why did Lurtz want to go out with me? 

Oh yesterday, came suddenly.

**Gimli:** Why they had to go 

I don't know, they wouldn't say. 

I sang out of tune 

Now I long for yesterdaaaaaaaaaaayyyy

**Aragorn:** Yesterday, life was such an easy game to play, 

Now I need a place to hideaway, 

Oh I believe in yesterday 

--Gilraen--

-----

**Legolas (pensive):** A lament for Gandalf. 

**Merry:** What do they say about him? 

**Legolas:** *listens* 

**Legolas:** *translates*...That b#%^@rd owed me 50 dollars… 

--TáriErunostarel--

----- 

**Gandalf:** [Reading the gates of Moria.] The words are in the elven-tongue of the West of Middle-Earth in the Elder days. But they do not say anything of importance to us. 

**Pippin:** [Intrigued.] What do they say? 

**Gandalf:** They merely say: "Beware of squid. No trespassing." 

--Denise-- 

-----

**Gollum:** Does my bum look big in this? 

--The Reverend--

----- 

**Frodo:** Did you just hear singing, Sam? Sounded like the elves of Rivendell… 

**Sam:** No, Master. It was that David Bowie again, singing that Ziggy Stardust track. 

--Gilraen--

----- 

**Ring:** I don't wanna be a ring no more. Frodo keeps sticking his finger in me. I wanna be...a can of soup! Check this: 

One soup to rule them all, 

One soup to bind them, 

Some folks hate croutons in, 

And other folks don't mind em... 

Waddya think, Pete? Pete? Peeeee-eeeteeee? 

--The Reverend--

----- 

**Gimli:** NOBODY tosses a Dwarf! 

**Orc:** That's not what we've heard, shorty... 

**Director:** Cut! Let's try that again... 

**Gimli:** NOBODY tosses a Dwarf! 

**Aragorn:** You just wait till the next film, honeybunch... 

**Gimli:** I'm gonna punch your cobblers in, so I am. 

--The Reverend--

----- 

_The Story of how it all began… _

Director: CUT!!! Okay guys that's a rap, good job! 

Singing, clapping and cheers are heard throughout the studio. The Director walks over to the producer, Gilraen 

Director: Do you reckon this will sell? 

Gilraen: No chance, just drop that in the bin on your way out, Pete, and The Rev and I will take a look at it, jazz it up a little. You'll be making millions in no time… 

PJ Nods sadly and walks away, dropping the original script in the bin on his way out. A quick 'Gilraen nod' to the Rev and the "Mission Impossible" Theme tune is heard. The pair begin to dart around, hiding behind invisible pillars and running into invisible agents of evil. Finally Gilraen gets to the bin, where The Rev is scratching his chin thoughtfully 

The Rev: I have a cunning plan… All we need is this script, a few permanent markers, a collection of Monty Python videos and an entirely new cast…and possibly sleep deprivation and prescription medicines. 

Gilraen: I think we could make this work, Rev me ol' chum. 

The pair high-five and walk through the doorway, immersed in a blinding white light, still humming "Mission Impossible" under their breaths… 

--Gilraen--


	29. COMING SOON!

Coming soon – The Special Edition DVD for "Botch of the Rings"! 

_Special Features include: _

Deleted scenes and documentaries: 

**Boxing match** between Gimli son of Gloin and Chris Tarrant 

**Gollum gives Frodo a wedgie** in Moria 

**Legolas stars in a musical** – Inc. the songs: "Lembas, Lembas, Lembas!" and the already infamous "Stand by your Dwarf" 

**Mrs Balrog's skin and beauty tips** - how to get your skin glowing healthily, and the perils of narrow bridges. 

**A Hobbits' guide to pipe-weed** - The best munchie foods, and where to get them at 3 in the morning. Also the '50 best hobbit pipes on the market'. 

**Special Gil and Rev documentary** - Detailing which substances were used to create the masterpiece, how many hours sleep they actually got and, most importantly, are they going to be locked up for crimes against humour? If not, then why not? 

**Chris Tarrant** - Why? 

**Concerning onions** - Yes. 

On the limited, so limited in fact we didn't make it edition - The now not-at-all famous **'Do Elves have nipples?'** documentary. Extremely deleted scene. 

**Running Commentaries** by the writers, producers, and directors, Gilraen and the Reverend. Also commentaries by: The man next door, Farmer maggot's scythe-sharpener, and many more, whose names aren't important enough to be mentioned. 

**Ability to change angle**, seeing entire climactic battle sequence from position of a morally relativist pacifist. 

Plus, the **Rev tells you just** **where he keeps his ring**, and **Gil tells the tale of the tattoo** - _not suitable for minors, miners, Minahs and anyone named Cyril._

**_Contains scenes of prolonged peril, fantasy of the mind and scary fellows with pointy hats and many, many beards… _**

**_All this and more! – Not In stores in August 2003._**


End file.
